LAUGH LINES

True Believers: “A Hindu priest was invited to give the invocation to open Congress. But it was out of place. . . . Hindus worship many gods . . . while members of Congress worship the one true God--the one with Ben Franklin’s face on it.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Odd Couple: “Rumor has it that Geraldo Rivera and ‘Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?’ bride Darva Conger are dating. How about that for a couple? . . . The dirt digger and the gold digger.” (Andrew Wisot)

Heartbreak City: “Some sad news from Hollywood. First, Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche split up. Now it turns out that Melissa Etheridge and her companion have broken up. I think it’s Los Angeles. Even women can’t commit in this town. . . . How are men supposed to?” (Jay Leno)

Politics as Usual: “George W. Bush admitted their ads flashed the message ‘rat’ but denied it was a subliminal message. They were just trying to get the ‘Survivor’ contestants’ votes.” (Alex Kaseberg)

The Write Stuff: “ ‘Survivor’ champ Richard Hatch will be publishing a book after all. Hatch’s contract with CBS won’t let him talk much about the ‘Survivor’ experience itself. Already, he’s exposed more than anyone could possibly want.” (Daily Scoop)

Fast Thrills: “In Pittsburgh, there’s now a strip club that has a drive-thru window for guys who don’t have a lot of time. . . . They’re offering a lap dance, fries and a Coke. . . . In fact, they’re calling it the ‘Mr. Happy Meal.’ ” (Wisot)

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