LAUGH LINES

Mr. Popularity: “According to a new survey, 73 political scholars voted Abraham Lincoln our nation’s greatest president. . . . Of course, Clinton was thrilled to hear this. Now he can raise the rates on the Lincoln Bedroom. . . . It will be, like, $20,000 a night now. He’s the hot guy!” (Jay Leno)

Slow and Steady: “According to USA Today, Firestone knew something was up with their . . . tires at least six years ago. . . . Why did they move so slowly? If you were riding on Firestone tires, you’d move slowly too.” (Daily Scoop)

Off the Road: “The city of San Francisco is taking steps to reduce the number of pedestrians who are killed by motorists each year. They may want to start by banning driving on the sidewalks.” (Ira Lawson)

Happy Campers: “Proposition 36 on the California ballot is leading in the polls. . . . It eliminates criminal penalties for drug use. Under Proposition 36, anyone found using illegal drugs is sent directly to the U.S. Olympics training camp.” (Argus Hamilton)

Drink It Up: “Wal-Mart is coming out with its own brand of wine. Pretty smart. See, the idea is you get so drunk, the Wal-Mart merchandise starts looking good to you--’These slacks are pretty nice.’ ” (Leno)

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.