LAUGH LINES

A Man’s Touch: “George W. Bush appeared on ‘Oprah.’ . . . He was heckled by a man in the audience at one point. Oprah said in 15 years on the air, this has never happened. Not a heckler--a man in the audience.” (Jay Leno)

Sport of Survival: “NBC’s Olympics ratings aren’t so hot. . . . The Olympics are all about survival of the fittest, aren’t they? Where’s [‘Survivor’s’] Richard Hatch when you really need him?” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

House Mates: Darryl Strawberry admitted to “driving under the influence. . . . Instead of prison, his sentence is two years of house arrest. The bad news is, it’s Dennis Rodman’s house.” (R.J. Johnson)

What’s in a Name: “George W. Bush appeared on ‘Oprah’ and denied that he is running on his father’s name. He doesn’t have to. The way he stands up for oil and mangles the language, most people think it’s his father who’s running anyway.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Big Bang: “There are so many new [Olympic] events this year. [In] the modern pentathlon, athletes shoot a gun and then they run. . . . We have that every day here in L.A.--I didn’t even know that was a sport.” (Leno)

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