Now Here’s the Hole Story, Not Sugarcoated, of Course

Got an e-mail from an upset father. Claims he took his 7-year-old twins to Dodger Stadium and they are now scarred for life.

I figured they tried to get Mr. Grumpy’s autograph. But he says his children are afraid of monsters and would never approach Kevin Brown.

“We went to Fan Appreciation Day to win a car,” says Dino, a Dodger season-ticket holder, who doesn’t want his last name used in case Mr. Grumpy comes looking for his kids. “We didn’t win a car, and even though it was hot out and it was a long game, my little ones hung in there because they knew they’d each win a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts if the Dodgers shut out the other team.”

Chan Ho Park pitched a shutout. Unofficially, 17 people in Dodger Stadium fainted.

The next day little Nicky and Amanda went to the Krispy Kreme on Winnetka in the Valley with Dodger ticket stubs in hand--still thrilled from being there to witness Dodger greatness a day earlier, which means, of course, Eric Karros had Sunday off.

But the big bad Krispy Kreme manager huffed and puffed and told the tots there would be no doughnuts, and he was also seriously considering suing the Dodgers for bringing him so much grief.

Where does that line start?

“He told us their store does not honor the Dodger promotion,” says Dino, taking $8.40 worth of dough out of the mouths of his babes.

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I CAN’T WAIT to hear from those people who try to collect the cars they thought they won on Fan Appreciation Day.

“So I called the Dodgers,” Dino says. “You ever call the Dodgers? Talk about getting passed around. I finally got someone named Janice, who was irritated because I’m the only one, she says, who has ever complained.”

It’s safe to assume Janice is not answering Kevin Malone’s phone.

Too late now, but Dino should have identified himself as a lesbian, and his family would have been in doughnuts for another decade.

I called the Krispy Kreme on Winnetka, and it’s true, the dough boys were ticked, because their store is not corporately owned, which means they take a loss if they give away the goods.

I called the Dodgers. I was asked, “Could you please hold?” and I would have said no, but suddenly I was listening to a long-ago recording of Vin Scully telling me there were “two strikes on the batter”--a give-away clue that he wasn’t going to be talking about Ismael Valdes--when I got a nice lady.

However, I’ve had more meaningful exchanges with Davey Johnson, and he’s only glaring at me these days. I called Krispy Kreme PR, and got Wendy, but by this time you couldn’t pay me to eat a doughnut.

“You wouldn’t believe how many calls we’ve gotten,” she said. “We’re working on it, but we’ve already given away approximately 12,000 boxes of doughnuts. It’s a good deal--we have new locations at UCLA and USC, and we’re doing a promotion with the Bruins. We’re sorry for any inconvenience, and we will send coupons for more doughnuts to your Dodger fan.”

That’s great, the UCLA location works much better for him.

Only one problem, she said, “You can’t get free Krispy Kreme doughnuts at the UCLA location.”

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FOX HAS PAID $2.5 billion for the rights to baseball’s playoffs, World Series and All-Star game through 2006. A spokesman said this does not include the price of admission for tickets, so the Dodgers can attend these games.

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LET ME SEE if I have this right. A Russian wrestler, who allowed his American opponent to score only one point--the very first point he has allowed anyone to score on him in 10 years--loses, as a result, the gold medal.

Meanwhile, the U.S. women’s softball team drops games to China, Japan and Australia, but gets a do-over of sorts, and beats them all the second time around to win the gold.

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DOES THIS MEAN the Dodgers won’t try anymore?

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I KNOW WHAT you are thinking: “I could do that.”

Sure, but it’s going to be tough for Angel Mo Vaughn, who whiffed three times Wednesday, but still needs to strike out 11 more times in four games to pass Rob Deer (186) to become the American League’s single-season strikeout king. No fair closing those eyes, Mo.

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YOU WONDER IF they will be able to publish or broadcast again now that Tampa Bay’s Keyshawn Johnson said he is putting CNN/SI and ESPN on probation for showing him flipping off a cameraman last week.

Johnson claims his obscene gesture was taken out of context, and I guess that happens when one finger isn’t doing the same thing as the other nine.

“They [CNN] didn’t think,” said Johnson, speaking on his own personal Web site at www.AthletesDirect.com.

“They weren’t smart enough to realize, ‘We’ve got to deal with this guy in the long-term future.’ Believe me, they’ve already called a million times trying to apologize.”

That would be something if CNN/SI and ESPN are sorry, but Johnson isn’t?

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YOU MAY HAVE missed it, but And 1, a basketball shoe and apparel company, which has used Latrell Sprewell in its ads, is apparently trying to corner the market on chokers with the recent signing of Bobby Knight.

All they have to do now is add Greg Norman.

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I BELIEVE MY parting words in the Dodger press box to Tom Lasorda before he left for Australia were, “You’re full of it, and you don’t have a prayer of winning anything in the Olympics.”

I’m batting .500, thank you very much.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Jeff:

“I’m a Bruin fan, and let me tell you, I can talk to my 5-year-old and get better sports analysis.”

Then why bother me?

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address:t.j.simers@latimes.com