Only One Way to Settle It: Food Fight

In an effort to learn more about the controversy concerning Grand Slams, Jerry Greene of the Orlando Sentinel went to a Denny’s.

“They invented the ‘Grand Slam’ breakfast in 1977 and probably have served a billion by now,” Greene writes. “When it comes to two hotcakes, two strips of bacon, two sausage links and two eggs [your way], Denny’s know it all.”

He interviewed waitress Sheri Sawyer, who was asked if Tiger Woods, having won the U.S. and British opens and the PGA Championship last season, would have a Grand Slam if he wins the Masters.

“ ‘No way,’ she said. ‘That’s like getting the hotcakes, bacon and sausage today, then coming back tomorrow for the eggs.’ ”

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Trivia time: Who was the youngest Masters winner?

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His kind of fence: Jim Armstrong in the Denver Post: “And we quote: Pirate outfielder Brian Giles on the 6-foot-high left-field fence at new PNC Park: ‘That’s awesome for short, fat guys. It will look like I can jump.’ ”

More Armstrong: “I guess I’ve got to get out more. The last time I saw ex-Dukie Cherokee Parks, now with the Clippers, he had one tattoo. Now he looks like the Sistine Chapel.”

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Stand-up crowd: In his debut for the Colorado Rockies, Mike Hampton pitched 8 1/3 innings of shutout ball against the

St. Louis Cardinals and received seven standing ovations at Coors Field.

Said Bernie Lincicome of the Rocky Mountain News: “Hampton had the opening-day crowd on its feet more than bad chili.”

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Smothering tactic: Wrestler Rulon Gardner, who upset three-time Olympic super-heavyweight champion Alexander Karelin at the Sydney Games, threw out the first pitch at Coors Field.

He recalled that as a Little League catcher, his strong suit was blocking the plate.

“I’d lie down,” he said, “and they couldn’t find it.”

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Another biter: Mark Black, a New Zealand rugby player, came close to imitating Mike Tyson by biting an opponent on the nose during a game. Tyson, of course, prefers the ear.

Black, who plays for Celtic, was banned for a year after biting Grant Moffatt of Old Boys recently.

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Last sponsor: Ted Turner of the Atlanta Braves, shrugging off a report that the ballclub will sell naming rights to Turner Field:

“Hell, I think they should put a banner on my tombstone,” Turner told students at Harvard Law School. “It should read, ‘Here lies Ted Turner, sponsored by Coca-Cola.’ ”

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Sneak thief: Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times: “Turns out Allen Iverson doesn’t lead the 76ers in steals after all. The conditioning coach does.”

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Looking back: On this day in 1987, Sugar Ray Leonard returned to the ring after a three-year layoff and upset Marvin Hagler in a 12-round split decision for the middleweight boxing title.

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Trivia answer: Tiger Woods, who was 21 years 3 months old when he won in 1997.

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And finally: Quarterback Troy Aikman, less than a month removed from being released by the Dallas Cowboys, threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ home opener Tuesday against the Angels at Arlington.

Asked how hard he throws, Aikman replied with a straight face, “Oh, I don’t know, 110 mph, I think.”