It’s a Perfectly Good Grill, Except for the Small Problem It Has With Fire

You think your neighborhood has problems: “Disturbance--12:18 a.m.--Pacific Coast Highway,” began the chilling police log item in the Seal Beach Sun.

The cause? “The Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru speaker box was keeping a resident awake.”

Unclear on the concept: Today’s self-contradictory exhibits (see accompanying) include:

* A rather youthful antique (submitted by David Freed of Santa Barbara).

* A barbecue set that isn’t supposed to come in contact with “flammable objects,” leading Ron Widman of Redlands to wonder if the warning covers such flammable objects as steaks and hamburger patties.

* And, finally, a dueling Mother’s Day offer that was the object of some kidding on Consumer Reports’ Web site (spotted by my colleague Brady MacDonald).

Hats off to the 1950s: Regarding prices in vintage works that seem amusing now, Neil Cuadra of West L.A. says his favorite example is from Dr. Seuss’ 1958 book, “The Cat in the Hat Comes Back”:

Whose shoes did he use?

I looked and saw whose!

And said to the cat,

“This is very bad news.

Now the spot is all over

Dad’s $10 shoes!”

Said Cuadra: “I’m a dad, so I’d like to know where to get these $10 shoes.”

Pigging out: The police log of the Los Angeles Independent carried this item: “A man made hog calls at a neighbor in violation of a restraining order.”

Daring rescue: “We visited Disney’s California Adventure and were having a late supper at the (pretend) Monterey Wharf,” reports Charles Jenner of Los Alamitos. “We noticed a commotion in the darkness across the (pretend) inlet. A staff member came running and fished something out of the water with a long-handled net. Someone had dropped a cell phone into the water.”

I’m not even going to pretend to worry about the fate of the gadget.

World’s largest parking lot: I mentioned the idea of lessening traffic congestion by abolishing parking meters and, instead, installing meters on vehicles to limit driving time.

Replied Steve Sussman: “Perhaps you’re forgetting that we already have a system in place that keeps cars motionless for several hours at a time. It’s called the 405 Freeway.”

miscelLAny: Dixon Gayer noticed a sign in Huntington Beach that forbade any obstruction of pedestrian traffic by persons “operating, walking or parking any motorcycle, bicycle, horse or similar objects or animals.”

“Well,” Gayer said, “that’s the last time I’ll park my giraffe in Huntington Beach.”

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.