It’s More Fun When We’re in on the Gag

Who do you think Phil Mickelson has a better chance of catching in today’s final round of the PGA? David Toms or Tiger Woods?

The politically correct thing to say, of course, is that we’re all pulling for good-guy Phil to finally win a major, as if our very own lives won’t be complete unless good-guy Phil gets to kiss the Wanamaker Trophy.

Now this might come as a surprise to you, but I’m rooting for him to choke big-time like a dawg, maybe plunk a ball or two in the water and establish himself as our very own Greg Norman.

That’s entertainment!

As a rule there are usually only two reasons to watch any golf tournament: To see Tiger dominate the other dullards or to see whatever dullard is leading the tournament falter down the stretch to make it more interesting.

Make it a major, and there are three reasons--the third being to see Mickelson’s sheepish smirk and shrug of shoulders after going for it all and making a catastrophic error to cost him the tournament.

If you were watching Saturday--his tee shot into the rough and trees on No. 3, followed by another hack into the trees and then a third shot heading out of bounds only to be stopped by a spectator leading to the kind of six you or I might get on a par-four--was as much fun as you can have watching golf.

David Toms going head-to-head with Shingo Katayama in his cute “F Troop” hat doesn’t do it for me, even though CBS’ commentators told me at least 20 times Saturday the gallery just loves him because of his great personality--golf’s version of a blind date, I guess.

There will always be a Scott Hoch missing a 16-incher to win the Master’s or a brute like Colin Montgomerie to root against, but I think we get our greatest pleasure watching really good guys fight themselves in a losing cause. Think about the times you’ve yelled out in glee, “I don’t believe it--he’s done it again,” after Mickelson has botched a shot.

A win puts an end to all that--just ask Susan Lucci--but a loss keeps the soap opera going, a wonderful will-he-gag-or-won’t-he anticipation that makes for just a wonderful Sunday afternoon of entertainment.

I sure hope he doesn’t ruin it for us, and win the darn thing.

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YOU COULD say the Dodgers don’t have a very good record in majors either--although playing the Mets is like competing against the field for the Quad Cities Open. And if you can’t beat the Mets ...

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THE DIFFERENCE between you and Eric Karros is, you believe he will never get a hit again, while he has two boxes in his locker just for fan mail.

I’m an optimist, of course--I believe he’s waiting for my letter.

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CONTEST TIME: Who do you think Pete Rose would put his money on if asked to wager which of these players will finish with the lowest batting average: Marquis Grissom (.237 before Saturday’s game) Karros (.236), Tom Goodwin (.234) or Chad Kreuter (.228)?

I don’t usually take the chalk, but I’d have to go with Kreuter. I watch him hit off a batting tee before every game and have yet to see him get a hit.

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I KNOW enough about baseball’s unwritten rules that Little Leaguers Ryan Markell and Andrew Cobb should never be allowed to play the game again.

It’s very simple. You had the Bronx’s Danny Almonte striking out the first 15 batters in the Little League World Series Saturday, needing only three more strikeouts to become the first pitcher in Series history to fan all 18 in a game, and then Markell and Cobb bunt.

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I SEE King president Tim Leiweke’s manipulative fingerprints all over this headline-making marketing ploy of announcing the team’s interest in Eric Lindros when it became obvious Lindros was going to the New York Rangers. What a scam: Make everyone think you’ll spend the money when you know you won’t.

THE CHICAGO Sun-Times quoted Cade McNown’s mother this week as saying, “This kid is not a loser.” I guess she puts a lot more stock in the fact her son landed a former Playboy model than I do.

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HE STILL doesn’t get it. When San Diego-based radio talk show host Lee Hamilton tells our Mike Penner in Thursday’s newspaper he’s made mistakes in the past in making racially insensitive remarks and says he’s been unfairly portrayed, that’s fine.

Put a period on the end of that sentence, and that would be that, but anyone who listens to his show knows he has an inability to just shut up.

“I’ve been killed by a black reporter that has an agenda,” he told Penner, again playing the race card, blaming his sins of the past on one black reporter who chose to write about them.

There’s no question the reporter in Minnesota, who did not call Hamilton and who chose not take Hamilton’s calls, falls short of standard operating procedures. But that’s a separate issue from Hamilton’s history of racial slurs and irresponsible comments, including telling a Raider fan to put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.

Hamilton says no one in San Diego has a problem with what he says, which has left his bosses at XTRA off the hook, thereby allowing his mouth to go unchecked without any chance of recrimination.

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A CHICAGO newspaper says the Cubs will give former USC pitcher Mark Prior a $10-million signing bonus--about the same cost as a USC education.

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I HOPE someone will let me know when the Sparks begin play in the playoffs. I’d hate to be caught in all that Staples Center traffic.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Bill:

“Get a clue. How can you even suggest Dodger Jim Tracy might be manager of the year? You are such a homer.”

I’ve got to start being tougher on people.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com