Opinions Expressed Here Are Not of Management

Actor Michael Douglas and I went to the Clipper game the other night. It’s just one of those things I have to do in my job here. Wednesday night I had to go to the Laker game, and today I have to play golf with Dwyre, because if I want to keep going to Clipper and Laker games for a living I have to take the good with the really bad.

Now the problem with playing golf with Dwyre--besides hiding behind trees so I don’t get hit by a ball or club while explaining to witnesses that all sportswriters are not necessarily uncoordinated just because The Times’ sports editor is--is spending five hours with the boss and listening to him give his opinions on sports.

You people ought to be glad to have the Page 2 columnist you have--it could be worse.

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ANYWAY, WHENEVER I return from one of these grueling excursions, I always have to guard against writing something I really don’t mean just because I’m parroting something ridiculous Dwyre has said.

I’ll give you an example. The way I remember it, from the very beginning I thought UCLA might have a winning record in football--you know something like 7-4. However, I wrote they will probably go all the way to the Rose Bowl, but in hindsight, I’m not sure that kind of crazy talk didn’t start with Dwyre on the fifth hole at the Santa Anita Golf Course while looking out of bounds for one of his chip shots.

Before I began playing golf with Dwyre, I considered myself a real Trojan supporter, but I think we all know his allegiance to Notre Dame and what he thinks of USC, and while as a rule I try to ignore everything he says, it’s obvious I haven’t always been successful.

With this in mind, I’d like to offer a few sports opinions of my own before I run into Dwyre today, and he starts babbling about what he thinks.

* If the Bruins selected DeShaun Foster as co-MVP, I’m almost afraid to ask whom he’s sharing the award with.

* USC Coach Henry Bibby’s mind games, including the benching of Desmon Farmer for a game at Bradley with 12 of Farmer’s family members making the trip from Flint, Mich., to Peoria, Ill., is the kind of motivational mental abuse that’s running rampant in high school and collegiate sports in the guise of old school discipline.

* The San Francisco 49ers’ Steve Mariucci announcing he has no interest in coaching at Notre Dame has to be a blow for Terry Donahue, who probably would have hired himself to replace Mariucci.

* Nebraska’s Eric Crouch probably will win the Heisman Trophy, but with four quarterbacks up as finalists, it should go to Miami’s Ken Dorsey--the only quarterback to guide his team to an undefeated record.

* I think broadcasters Bill Walton and Ralph Lawler are as good as John Stockton and Karl Malone working off each other in their prime, but I’d urge Lawler to calm down a little and act as if he has seen a Clipper victory before.

* Speaking of the Clippers, I’m hearing rumbles of discontent in their locker room surrounding the disagreeable personality of guard Jeff McInnis, who is rubbing some of his teammates the wrong way.

* I never thought Devean George would become a contributor to the Laker cause, or maybe it was Dwyre who thought that and I bought it. George’s improvement on top of Derek Fisher’s unselfish acceptance to back up Lindsey Hunter are two more reasons why the rest of the league should surrender.

* I’m sure Phil Jackson is wondering why I haven’t invited him on the SIMERS TV Show. I’ve read his books, and frankly I have concerns about putting the audience to sleep. We already have Todd Donoho as host.

* Quentin Richardson’s incredible rise to become one of the more exciting players in the NBA saved the Clippers from reverting to old-time Clipper form after Lamar Odom’s experiment went up in smoke.

* UCLA basketball Coach Steve Lavin has the ear of the school’s chancellor, but if I’m football Coach Bob Toledo, and I would like to feel real secure beyond next season, I’m real interested in who will replace Athletic Director Pete Dalis.

* There has been a lot made of the fact new Dodger GM Dan Evans doesn’t return phone calls and likes to avoid the media. After reading a quote of his in an Associated Press story after hiring Kim Ng as assistant GM--”I made her an offer over dinner last night in Pasadena”--it might be better if he remained mum.

* Someone sent me a press release for the book: “You don’t have to be a jerk “ ... I wonder why.

* I have this picture in my head of USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett hiding under his desk every time he hears I’m in Heritage Hall. If I’m wrong, I’m sure I’ll hear about it on my answering machine.

* Rather than make the choice between listening to Fred Roggin, Chris Myers and Bob Golic talking sports on 1540, or Doug Krikorian and Joe McDonnell on 1110, I think, to be fair, I’ll just turn the radio off.

* I can’t get enough of these Michelle Kwan stories about who will be her coach and what music she has selected. I would imagine we’ll soon be told what color tutu she’ll be wearing.

* There are reports Evans has set his sights on Toronto pitcher Billy Koch. We know this to be true because Koch lost more games than he won last year--meeting Evans’ criteria that anyone joining the Dodgers must be a proven loser.

* The Dodgers are also trying to sign David Weathers. He was 4-5 last year.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes from me:

“If anyone knows Michael Douglas, I’d appreciate it if they’d let him know I was the guy sitting three rows behind him at the Clipper game the other night.”

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.