A Time to Get a Grip on Giving

I am under siege these days, not from outraged readers, Arab terrorists or computer viruses that say “Hi,” but from organizations wanting money.

In about the past two weeks, our household has received almost 200 bulk mail letters containing requests for donations to save everything from the snail darter to Yosemite National Park.

These are in addition to e-mail pitches hustling me to sign up for credit cards, home loans, cut-rate clothing, restaurant-quality kit- chen utensils, bulk literature and pills to increase the size of my, well, “package.”

I delete those as quickly as they appear because I don’t need another credit card, I don’t need a home loan, my house is filled with books I haven’t read yet, and I am reasonably content with the package I already possess.

I began saving the charity pitches after hearing how much various organizations were suffering financially because of a downturn in the economy and the burst of unemployment caused by the terrorist attacks last September.

My wife has always earmarked a certain amount of money for charities close to her heart, but since we are not a foundation with endless amounts of funds, there have to be limits to our generosity. Eli Broad may be able to send a gunnysack full of cash to the Priests of the Sacred Heart Monastery in Hales Corners, Wis., for instance, but I’m not.

Old Eli and I operate on different monetary levels.

The charity letters are addressed not only to me but to Al R. Martinez , T. Martinez, Art Martinez, Tor J. Martinez, Ricardo Martinez, None Martinez and even to Cantor Martinez. I’m not Art, I’m not Tor, I’m not Ricardo, I’m not T, I think I’m not None and I am definitely not a cantor, although I do have a nice voice.

God said, “Give him a nice voice and a reasonable package and tell him to stay the devil out of our hair.” Amen.

I’ve noticed this year that there are new requests for money coming our way, and many of them are from religious organizations. In addition to the Sacred Heart Monastery, requests for help have also come from the Christian Appalachian Project and the Missionary Assn. of Mary Immaculate.

The Missionary Assn. sent a magnetic image of the Virgin Mary as an inducement for us to donate. While I certainly appreciate the gift, I’m afraid a West Texas home for kids without their own cell phones is just not on our list.

In addition to the refrigerator door-ready image of the Virgin, we have also received return address labels, Christmas cards, gift wrapping and calendars. Some feature flowers, others little animals, and still others idyllic scenes of the outdoors, all of which will be destroyed if we do not send money immediately. Be forewarned.

“The future of wildlife depends on us!” says the National Wildlife Federation. “We need your continued support to save the lives of America’s wolves!” says Defenders of Wildlife. “China’s giant pandas face a bleak future,” sobs the World Wildlife Fund. “Protect our National Parks!” thunders the Wilderness Society.

The Sierra Club, Tree People, Nature Conservancy, California State Parks Foundation, Ocean Conservancy and Future for the Wild are all standing in line by the mailbox waiting for their money. For some, it will be a long wait.

Iam intimidated by envelopes that say “Open now” and intrigued by the ones that say “Check enclosed.” A hitch in the Marines conditioned me to respond instantly to commands, so when an envelope says “Open now!” I open now. But generally I find in the envelope nothing that couldn’t be opened later.

In the envelope that said “Check enclosed,” the “check” was a reminder from the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation that we ought to send a check matching the amount we sent last year. Cute, but no cigar.

A few organizations don’t give up with just one mailing. The American Cancer Society sent six “reminders,” four of which were addressed to the aforementioned None Martinez. The Jim Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence also sent six. The Alzheimer’s Assn. sent three, in the event, I suppose, that I didn’t remember receiving the first two.

The question now becomes whom to give to. In addition to the charities I’ve mentioned, I have pitches from Shriners Hospital for Children, American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Easter Seals Society, Habitat for Humanity, Goodwill Industries, Salvation Army, Braille Institute, Assistance League of Southern California, Library Foundation of Los Angeles, Southern Poverty Law Center, National Federation of the Blind, Feed the Children and on and on and on. Oh, and the Mouth and Foot Painting Artists of Atlanta.

While the request for donations is overwhelming, I won’t just ignore them and spend the money instead on martinis and pork chops, although the temptation exists. I will instead call a family meeting to decide who will benefit from our largess. It will consist of me, my wife, Ricardo, Al R., T, Art, Tor J., None and our good friend, Cantor Martinez.

Meanwhile, the Virgin Mary is on the refrigerator door, and we’re hoping for better days.

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E-mail: al.martinez@latimes.com.