Imagine All the People in America’s Future

Now that the 2000 census is done, experts are busy predicting population trends for 2010. In one scenario, Nevada is expected to remain the fastest-growing state in the union, thanks to more accurate counting of space aliens in Area 51.

But what about censuses (censii?) beyond 2010? Until recently, such forecasts would have been impossible. However, by combining sophisticated computer models with liberal consumption of alcohol, we were able to project census trends well into the future:

* 2010: In a desperate attempt to shed the title of America’s least-populous state, Wyoming counts the faces on Mt. Rushmore as “residents.” The move boosts the state’s population by 32%--until census officials realize Mt. Rushmore is in neighboring South Dakota.

* 2020: The nation’s populace continues its dramatic shift to the West, at an average rate of 71 miles per year. Demographers say that if the pattern continues, by 2035 most Americans will be living on oil platforms or rafts offshore from Long Beach.

* 2030: Statistics reveal a stunning 10% of adults are the product of artificial insemination. Of those, 42% were fathered by David Crosby.

* 2040: Ending centuries of bitter division, North and South Dakota finally unify under one flag that carries the emblem of the prairie dog. Days later, North and South Carolina follow suit, except with a different flag. Feeling the pressure, New Mexico tries to merge with Mexico “just for the heck of it.”

* 2050: Arizona’s population spikes when the spawn of David Crosby enter drug rehab at the Robert Downey Jr. Center for Substance Abuse and Performing Arts in Tempe.

* 2060: Wyoming adds “grizzly bears, jack rabbits and igneous rocks” to its official population count. But it’s to no avail. The state still lags behind Montana, which included “twigs, nuts and berries” in its totals.

* 2080: In what becomes known as the “Great Skedaddle,” everyone in Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts abandons their homes and high-tails it for the Sun Belt. Everyone, that is, except a guy named Gus, who stays in Cape Cod, where he lives out his days babbling about clam chowder and the Celtics.

* 2090: Continuing a national trend of fleeing frozen wastelands, Americans pack up and leave the entire Midwest, Northeast and Mid-Atlantic states. Many states welcome the refugees, but the Golden State responds with “The Great Wall of California,” which prohibits entry to anyone without a Disneyland or Sea World passport.

* 2100: For the first time since the Civil War, the U.S. population drops 5.1% to a paltry 561 million after a three-year war with the Axis Powers--Canada, Mexico and the Bahamas. U.S. President George Z. Bush declares a national emergency and calls upon citizens to “get busy” repopulating America.

* 2110: The population skyrockets, but not because of births. Death rates all but disappear as scientists discover the “Fountain of Youth” in a strip mall in Sarasota, Fla. Life expectancy climbs to 370 years. For a six-month period, the nation records no deaths, except one--an elderly man who attended the re-re-re-release of “Wonder Boys.”

* 2150: The legalization of human clones to run personal errands, attend children’s recitals and perform conjugal duties while the real spouse has an extramarital affair causes the country’s population to triple.

* 2170: Overpopulation becomes a critical problem as the nation’s total reaches 9 billion. In response, U.S. President George A.X. Bush signs an executive order to cryogenically freeze anyone 30 or older, except himself.

* 2180: Americans near the age of 30, for reasons not entirely understood, leave Earth to colonize the moon and Mars. Initial surveys show that New California, New New York and Newer New England attract the most settlers.

* 2260: Space aliens become the fastest-growing minority group. Roswell, N.M., surpasses Chicago as the nation’s third-largest city.

* 2340: The census form expands to reflect America’s rapidly mutating ethnic diversity. New categories include African-Asian-Martian American, Hispanic-Android American and, as a result of genetic engineering, Anglo-Bovine American, Anglo-Cannabis American and the catchall “Banana Split.”

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E-mail Martin Miller and Roy Rivenburg at socalliving@latimes.com.