After months of careful study, I have determined the cause of the Angels' hitting problems and the way to solve them. The Angels merely need to avoid the following types of opposing pitchers:
1. The elite (Clemens, Hudson, Pedro, etc.)
2. Soft-tossing left-handers.
3. 31-year-old minor leaguers trying to hang on.
4. Anyone who can locate the outside corner.
5. Pitchers with ERAs higher than 10 in their last five starts.
6. Rookies making their first big league starts.
7. Whoever is on the mound when Pat Rapp starts.
9. Anyone who can throw an off-speed pitch in the reasonable vicinity of the plate.