Our Great T.J. Plan Is Found Out at Last!

Why does everybody keep picking on T.J. Simers? Is it simply because T.J. Simers keeps picking on everybody? It’s especially amusing to see readers’ emotional reactions to Simers’ columns when I’ve learned for a fact that T.J. Simers doesn’t even exist. He’s a figment of your imagination, and you people at The Times should be deeply ashamed.

Just yesterday I was discussing geopolitics and quark theory with my personal grocery bagger at the market when the conversation drifted around to sports. He told me that an acquaintance of his cousin’s girlfriend’s boss said that T.J. Simers was a fictitious straw man created by you people on the sports staff to express your most outrageous opinions without being held personally accountable. To lend an air of authenticity, you ran a picture of a particularly homely 53-year-old Fountain Valley woman with the column. When the woman and the Humane Society protested, you stopped printing the photo with the lame excuse that new Times policy dictated that no photos were to appear with columns.

What you’ve done is an incredible breach of journalistic ethics and it’s time that you were called to account for it.

Joe Isuzu

(a.k.a. Allen E. Kahn)

Playa del Rey