Get Them Rewrite--Please

Recently, newspapers across the country reported that Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein may have secretly authored that nation’s popular allegorical novel, “Zabibah wal Malik” (“Zabibah and the King”).

Although still under investigation by the CIA, the story has sparked interest among historical scholars and literary sleuths, for whom one question stands out: If indeed the cantankerous tyrant did produce his own version of a Harlequin romance, what other best-selling books could have flowed from the inkwells of history’s most famous--and infamous--leaders?

* “Gandhi With the Wind”: Penned under the nom de plume P.J. Mohandas, this sweeping epic by the former spiritual leader of India imaginatively blends the political volatility of Colonial Calcutta with the splendor of antebellum Atlanta. Despite its evocative imagery (e.g., “The night air was thick with bougainvillea and vindaloo”), the book was withdrawn from circulation when the estate of author Margaret Mitchell sued its publishers for plagiarism. Chief among the heirs’ complaints: a passage in which Gandhi, fresh from his legendary fast, defiantly proclaims to the heavens: “As Vishnu is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”

* “A Short Guy’s Guide to a Happy Life”: Three-hundred years before Anna Quindlen discovered the key to inner peace, diminutive French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte offered up his own pithy prescriptions for day-to-day contentment, trotting out nuggets of wisdom such as, “If you have to go to Elba, remember to pack a bathing suit,” and, “When all else fails, wear a really big hat.” Although wildly popular among the French common folk, the author failed to capture the same enthusiasm with his sequel, “Who Moved Mon Fromage?”

* “Valley of the Dalai Lamas”: In this revisionist account of his life, the exiled holy man and his peripatetic posse of Buddhist monks decide to put the “L.A.” in Lama and head for the San Fernando Valley. Calamity (and sitar music) abounds, as the 14th incarnation of the Bodhisattva of Compassion descends on Hollywood, introducing jaded studio executives to spiritual enlightenment and the all-weather comfort of diaphanous robes. Richard Gere makes a cameo in the hilarious juice bar scene.

* “Thatcher in the Rye”: This provocative coming-of-ager by England’s Iron Lady recounts the adolescent angst of a British shopkeeper’s daughter who, having been expelled from Oxford, eschews her mundane existence in search of more meaningful pursuits, like invading small islands. Despite the heroine’s perpetual vilification of “phonies,” she ironically develops a secret crush on a certain Hollywood star with political aspirations.

* “Green Eggs and ‘Nam”: This little known 1968 children’s book written by North Vietnamese leader Ho Chi Minh cleverly combines political didacticism with alphabet fundamentals in such rhythmically engaging passages as, “I would not bow to JFK/ I would not trust the USA/ The CIA is not OK/ The same holds true for LBJ.” Regrettably, the Communist ruler died without completing the book’s sequel, “Horton Hears a Coup.”

* “Ariel is From Mars, Yasser is From Venus”: Authors’ contracts still in negotiation.