LAUGH LINES

Rise and Shine: “You know what Hannibal Lecter has for breakfast, don’t you? Eggs and Kevin Bacon.” (Jay Leno)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top 10 United States Secrets

Sold to the Russians

10. Our satellite defense system is just a Polaroid on a really tall tree.

9. Of 11 herbs and spices in KFC, nine are illegal barbiturates.

8. Our last five presidents have all been [Richard] Nixon in disguise.

7. Eighty seven percent of all American commercials feature someone opening a refrigerator and then being greeted by a talking sandwich.

6. How Donald Trump gets his hair to do what it does.

5. Al Gore really won Florida.

4. Despite public denials, President Clinton did in fact have sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky.

3. The Hamburger Helper hand is real and responsible for over 100 homicides.

2. Jerry Orbach’s Visa number is 4114482359023411409--go nuts!

1. The real reason Nicole [Kidman] is leaving Tom [Cruise]: Dave Letterman.

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