Southland Battle for Beachhead

Seal Beach Boulevard phoned police to say they had seen men armed with rifles confronting each other on a vacant piece of city property.

Fortunately, as the Seal Beach Sun reported, the uniformed combatants were merely “re-creating the Battle of Gettysburg with antique guns.”

No one was arrested, but this modern battle of Gettysburg ended with an immediate peace settlement. The Civil War buffs were sent home.

BUMMER: On another battlefront, Seal Beach Officer Rick Paap said police were summoned to a house on a disturbing-the-peace call involving a mother and son. Turned out the lad was refusing to go to school. “The kid said there was a big surf and he wanted to go surfing,” Paap said.

The hang-tenner was given a lecture about truancy laws.

YOU KNEW IT HAD TO HAPPEN DEPT.: At a seminar of the Public Communicators of L.A., Calvin Naito noticed there was something odd about the name badge given to guest speaker Barbara Osborn. She’s with the media watchdog group, Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting, but the badge wasn’t, well, very accurate (see accompanying).

Osborn was a good sport, joining in the laughter, I should add in all fairness.

TECHNOLOGICAL MARVELS: What they won’t think of next? Eugenia Gelman of Fountain Valley and Al Budman received coupons for a device that enables you to guard against earthquake damage by exercising your vocal cords (see accompanying).

SCHOOL DAZE: High school teacher Juel Goldstock of Long Beach sent me a collection of bloopers committed by his students, including:

* I gave the dog shots to make sure he didn’t get rabbis.

* He has blonde hair and a go-t.

* My favorite writer is John Stainbeck and my favorite book is “The Mice of Men.”

* He killed him on porpoise.

* Who? Hoover? A president? What was his last name?

* Dogeared: Adj., to turn down the corner of. My rabbit’s ears are dogeared.

* Am I an insider or an outsider? I’m an outsider. I’m usually outside playing basketball.

* Deft: adj., skillful. Watch where you’re going. What are you deft?

* This Christmas, I want a new pair of roller bladders.

SPEAKING OF ACCURACY: Janice Tomkiel of El Cajon noticed that the sign maker at a Department of Motor Vehicles office was guilty of a bit of reckless calculating involving the number of inches in a foot (see accompanying).

I’m sure he didn’t do it on porpoise.

THE COLUMNIST’S LIFE: One of the glamorous aspects of my job is the number of fascinating opportunities it affords me. In Wednesday morning’s e-mails, I saw one with the subject heading: “You are cordially invited.” I opened it up and was thrilled to find that I was cordially invited to visit the company’s Internet site. Alas, I didn’t have anything to wear.

miscelLAny:

Paul Dean notes that the bidding for O.J. Simpson’s 1988 Bentley Mulsanne on EBay has reached $16,100, “way below market for this car.” Dean, publisher of Robb Report, the luxury lifestyle magazine, says this could be the “first time in the history of celebrity cars that the celebrated owner actually devalued the automobile.”

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.