Hate Books List Reasons to Poke Equal Opportunity Fun at Bruins, Trojans

I’ve heard of hate-cats books, hate-lawyers books and hate-to-cook books. And now Bob Patterson has alerted me to a hate-Bruins tome, which he found, naturally enough, in the USC bookstore (see accompanying).

Inasmuch as I previously mentioned some of the jibes about USC in the book, “U.C.L.A. Slang”--i.e., USC stands for “University of Spoiled Children”--I feel I should give the UCLA taunters equal time.

Author Paul Finebaum’s book is timely in a way because UCLA’s once-high-flying football team has lost its last two games and dropped out of contention for the national title.

Among Finebaum’s 303 observations:

* “The biggest difference between Bruin fans and puppies is that puppies usually stop whining when they grow up.”

* “The difference between Cheerios and Bruins is that Cheerios belong in a bowl.”

* “The best-selling bumper sticker at the UCLA bookstore is ‘Wait ‘til Next Year.’ ”

Don’t try to tell USC fans this is sophomoric humor.

A different kind of campus crusade: Finebaum, by the way, has no particular grudge against UCLA. He has also written books slamming several other universities.

His “I Hate UC Berkeley” volume, for instance, asserts that the football coaches at the liberal university psych up their players by shouting, “I want you to go after those guys like they’re wearing real fur!”

Finebaum’s hit list also includes Notre Dame, Stanford, Washington and USC.

All of those works are at the USC bookstore, except, oddly enough, “I Hate USC.”

The latter is at the UCLA bookstore, though.

Is there a language professor in the house? Walt Hopmans of Santa Barbara came upon a sign he couldn’t translate near a castle in Great Britain--or at least fully translate (see photo).

It’s called what? (cont.): Arline Buchanan of Gardena says that my recent list of history’s dumbest car names should have included the Ford Aspire. “It’s a dinky car ‘aspiring’ to be a real car?” she asked.

Taming telemarketers: A tactic for dealing with phone solicitors was contributed by Scott Hughes of Westlake Village, who likes to respond to the insistent ones in a breathy voice. And he asks them questions such as what type of clothes they like to wear. “Works every time,” Hughes said. “They can’t hang up fast enough.”

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miscelLAny: The L.A. Independent reported that two suspects stole a woman’s purse in Hollywood “but dropped the bag when one of the suspects lost a shoe as he fled the scene.”

Lost a shoe? Sounds like a twisted version of a fairy tale. Shall we call it Sinderella?

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.