Closet Drama

Can we talk turkey?

The fact is, the worst of fashion often elicits the best laughs. And who couldn’t use a second serving of that?

Neither fleets of stylists nor wads of cash could keep fashion’s role models from gobbling up some real style turkeys this year. Somehow, it’s reassuring that some things never change.

Pass the pumpkin pie.

* Al Gore, below right, lost the presidency but grew a beard, patchy as it was. Still, we were happy--not chad--that it didn’t grow into a bush.

* The jury agreed that Sean “P. Diddy” Combs didn’t do it. But a raunchy, exploitative Details magazine fashion spread made the Diddy dude guilty of bad taste. Mr. Combs, that ain’t no way to treat a lady.

* Hollywood still is playing fat for laughs. Witness the fat suit Martin Short, bottom right, wears as big guy Jiminy Glick on cable TV or Julia Roberts in the flick “America’s Sweethearts.” Now Gwyneth Paltrow in “Shallow Hal” has shifted talk of her movie girth to chatter over her model-thin self. She shed her 350-pound character’s fat suit--and her clothes--to bare all for this month’s Harper’s Bazaar. But press kits for “Sweethearts” and “Shallow” include nary a shot of the plumped-up stars. Call the sequels “Shallow Gals.”

* Just when everyone thought they had seen it all on the red carpet, Bjork’s feathery Oscar finery, above right, had us crooning for more. But Emmy host Ellen DeGeneres, above, had the last laugh in her cuckoo knockoff.

* In, out and in again. This fall’s itsy-bitsy baby doll dress fell flatsy-watsy, below center. But not for long. It’s coming back as this coming spring’s smock top. Pregnant women, rejoice.

* Here’s the J-Lowdown on Jennifer Lopez. She’s cashing in on her fashion cache by fronting a denim line with Andy Hilfiger (Tommy’s sibling rival). But her best career move was dumping the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy and hooking up with Mr. Dancing Machine.

* What ship is short of one pilgrim? Anne Robinson, below left, the grim reaper on “Weakest Link,” who is perennially dressed in drabby black from neck to toe, looks like she just stepped off the Mayflower. Need we say more?

* Talk about your turkey trots. Whether she’s tripping on her train or falling out of her bustless bustier, model wannabe Paris Hilton can’t walk on the catwalk. Here’s a Model 101 tip: When wearing sheer dresses under hot lights, don’t forget your underwear.

* He rocked the world with a sparkly white glove and a thrilling red, buckled jacket. Looks like Michael Jackson’s ‘80s style, right, is stuck in never-never land.

* Major fashion magazines had more quick changes than a Madonna concert this year. Old-timer Mademoiselle and new-timer Mode, a magazine for plus-size women, folded because their ad pages were too thin. Major maneuvers shifted the mastheads--again--at the revamped Harper’s Bazaar and trampy Glamour.