Cloned Hens Star in New Breed of Fair

Apparently worried that the All-Alaskan racing pigs featured at last summer’s Orange County Fair might not be the stuff of a new millennium, fair officials are planning a make-over.

A little bit country, a little bit rock ‘n’ roll. That’s how the fair people see themselves. I’d remind them that Donny and Marie Osmond invoked that theme on their late-’70s TV show, and it never cracked the top 25.

Yet, the fair board plows ahead.

Last week, it approved a 10-year plan that is meant to strike a balance between those who want the Costa Mesa fairgrounds site to remain true to its agricultural heritage and those who want more modern, youth-oriented entertainment.

The final version of the plan is expected next summer. However, a little digging by me has produced a highly classified memorandum that previews changes in store for the two-week summer fair:

Year One: Move slowly on phasing out barnyard animals and converting pen space to karaoke bars and video arcades. Many farm animals remain popular, so wait for public to lead charge against chickens, pigs, cows. One suggestion for speeding up process: during the fair, clean out pens only every fourth day.

Year Two: To link past and present, introduce Billy Goat Bungee-Jumping in northwest corner of fairgrounds. Market research indicates public would pay as much as $10 per jump. Concept has been lab-tested, and we know it works! Public relations people will be on board to handle protests from animal-rights activists.

Year Three: We see this as a pivotal year, because people will realize we’re serious about changes. If they don’t, they will when they see these moves: Eliminate Clown Patrol on weekdays and replace with people decked out in current “Star Wars” apparel. Emphasize that Clown Patrol is not being permanently dumped. Buy out contracts of Mikey the Giant Steer and World’s Largest Horse. Include “no-compete” clauses if demanded. On Saturday nights after 9 only, replace Junior Cattle Judging with Wet T-Shirt contest.

Year Four: After last year, this should be easy. Replace all remaining horse stables with IMAX theater, featuring new 3-D versions of “Babe” and “Chicken Run.” Develop long-term contracts with young stars like Jennifer Lopez and Justin Timberlake; link them via video with our crop exhibits. For example, J. Lo. could discuss advances in soybean production. Justin could conduct teen-oriented sessions on various types of potatoes.

Year Five: At selected stands, replace Hot Dog on a Stick with Sushi on a Skewer. Market as “Shish Sushi.” Introduce first group of tuxedo-wearing staffers to take drink orders as fairgoers stroll the grounds.

Year Six: Acquire naming rights to wide variety of popular carnival games. Market research indicates this kind of partnering will be commonplace by decade’s end, and we should get jump on competition. We’re thinking of things like “Intel’s Toss-the-Coin-Into-a-Dish” or “Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc. Presents: Ring the Bell with a Sledgehammer.”

Year Seven: We should be in high transition by now. Livestock still on display should be shown only as part of two-animal “clone set,” such as two sheep, two roosters, etc. Literature given to audience members should include provocative hints that future fairs might include genetic splicing between different animals, such as ducks and chickens. In this way, we build bridge from year to year.

Year Eight: Replace sawdust-strewn midway with mechanized walkways. Have 60% of walkways leading directly into newly built ESPN Zone sports bar showing full assortment of classic games on wide-screen TV.

Year Nine: By this year, all fowl should be digitized. If we stay on schedule, this will make us the first county fair in the country to offer “Virtual Poultry.”

Year Ten: Explore possibilities of finding All-Alaskan racing pigs who can rap.

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com.