Rams, Chargers on the Move

All right, we’ve seen enough. Let’s book it now.

Move the auto dealers out of the Superdome on Feb. 3, bring in the Los Angeles NFL Alumni Assn. classes of 1994 and 1960.

The ex-Los Angeles Rams and the ex-Los Angeles Chargers in Super Bowl VI.

We have seen the future of professional football, and it is our professional football past. The Rams are 3-0 after doing to Miami on Sunday what John Shaw did to Anaheim in ‘94-95. The Chargers are 3-0 after LaDainian Tomlinson did to Cincinnati what Barron Hilton did to the Coliseum after the old American Football League’s inaugural season--run to daylight.

Is there a better team in the NFC than the Rams? After they trounced the Dolphins, 42-10, Sunday, after they beat the 49ers in San Francisco and the Eagles in Philadelphia, who is going to nominate anyone else?

(Put your hand down, Brett Favre.)

Is there a better team in the AFC than the Chargers, off to their first 3-0 start since their Super Bowl season of 1994?

OK, there probably is, but who among them has a better record?

Not the Dolphins, who had been undefeated and giddily singing the praises of Jay Fiedler until they ran into Kurt Warner, who soon had the Dolphins reminiscing about Dan Marino.

Not the Denver Broncos, whose previously unstoppable offense ran into what Olandis Gary called “a big 600-pound beast,” also known as Baltimore Raven defensive tackles Sam Adams and Tony Siragusa. The beast won, 20-13.

Not the Indianapolis Colts, who had been averaging more than 43 points a game until they scored 13 against the New England Patriots, who in turn scored 44, and this is a good reason, boys and girls, why you should never grow up with your bookie on speed dial, the way your dad has.

The Ravens are the defending Super Bowl champions and, Adams warns, you should “never, ever count out the champs.” But the Ravens lost last week to the Cincinnati Bengals, who lost Sunday to the Chargers, 28-14. The Chargers have also defeated the Washington Redskins and the Dallas Cowboys, which, let’s face it, would sound mighty impressive if it happened in 1991 or 1971.

Unfortunately for San Diego, the number on the calendar is 2001, the quarterbacks in the Washington and Dallas huddles are Tony Banks and Anthony Wright, and you know how people talk.

A cynic might say the Bengals are the only team the Chargers have played that have actually won a game this season.

A sadomasochist might say he spent Sunday watching the 0-3 Redskins lose to Kansas City by 32 points and the 0-3 Cowboys lose to Philadelphia by 22 points and is now seriously considering taking up a new hobby.

An ABC Sports executive might say, “My God, we have the Redskins and the Cowboys booked for Monday, Oct. 15!”

And a Bengal, such as Willie Anderson, might say, “Nothing against the Chargers, they’re a good team, but we gave them the game.”

And the Bengals, the NFL’s losingest franchise of the 1990s, are 19-70 in road games since 1990 and 0-34 on the road against teams with winning records since 1990.

So, after three games, the Chargers have beaten everyone and no one, which could be the reason for these conflicting postgame assessments from Tomlinson and Junior Seau.

Said Tomlinson, still an excitable rookie: “You’re just seeing the beginning. We’re just getting our feet wet. There are better things to come.”

Said Seau, the 12-year veteran who remembers how the Chargers opened 1999 at 4-1 and finished 8-8: “It’s still premature. This league, it’s a cross-country race, not a 40-yard dash. We’re not going to be kids and holler, ‘We’re No. 1 in the AFC.”’

Ask the Dolphins, who were starting to toy with the idea until they stepped inside the Rams’ home dome and Warner told them to step outside. Previously, Miami defenders had taken down two division champions from 2000, Tennessee and Oakland, but Sunday in St. Louis, they looked like the other half of a Ram intrasquad scrimmage.

Warner threw for 328 yards and four touchdowns, completed 24 of 31 passes and made like Roman Gabriel as he carried a Dolphin linebacker on his back while firing a scoring pass to Marshall Faulk on the last play of the first half.

Afterward, Miami defensive tackle Daryl Gardener could only shake his head in amazement and say, “We retired something like that. That man’s Marino.”

The Dolphins had the sound of turnip-truck workers as they marveled at the Rams’ sophisticated offense. “How many plays you got in your playbook?” an impressed Zach Thomas asked Ram receiver Az-Zahir Hakim.

Truth be told, sometimes the Rams make it up as they go. That lug-along-a-Dolphin touchdown pass by Warner?

“Streetball,” St. Louis Coach Mike Martz jokingly called it.

“You know, run down around the corner by the yellow bus and I’ll throw you the ball. That’s what they did there.

“I wish we could take credit for a great play design. I’m getting smarter and smarter all the time.”

Three weeks of games and the only other 3-0 team is Green Bay. Much has been made about the Rams’ success rate on turf--Warner is 16-0 on his home carpet, averaging nearly 38 points a game--but what about Favre’s record on Carolina swamp moss?

Tiptoeing through what appeared to be Paul Bunyan’s driving range, dancing around divots as big as tumbleweeds, Favre completed 25 of 39 passes for 308 yards and three touchdowns as the Packers beat the Panthers, 28-7, in either an important NFC interdivisional matchup or the Poulan Weedeater Bowl.

The Panthers couldn’t believe they were actually being told to play a sanctioned NFL game on this stuff. “It was like mush,” Carolina safety Mike Minter said.

Favre, however, was undaunted and unfazed, conducting business as if he were still on Lambeau tundra, a regular Marquis de Sod.

After the game, the Panthers announced they were putting their head groundskeeper on irrevocable waivers and contemplating what course of action to take next. Water, fertilizer or Rogaine?