The Yellow Brick Road to Recovery
As we gaze upon the distant Emerald City of Washington, D.C., we can see the Tin Man and the Lion and a loose-jointed fellow who is under FBI surveillance for spilling straw all over the floor. The Good Witch of the East is explaining that no, we cannot click our heels three times and go back to the life we loved. And the little dog Toto is being tested for anthrax.
The Wizard addresses the gathering. “Just how,” he roars, “are we going to stimulate the economy?”
The Tin Man takes a few squeaky steps forward and offers the position of conservatives in Emerald City’s House of Representatives: Have every American man, woman and child chip in $356 from the Treasury’s endless reservoir of red ink and, quick, give 70% of it to business and people who live off trust funds.
How will that stimulate the economy?
Simple, says the Tin Man: Say you are a trust-funder and live in a mansion in Palm Beach where your daddy was a land speculator and left you millions to tide you over. Under this plan, you get a tax break on your investment holdings.
This is called the caviar and champagne theory of economics.
With your bonus cash, you can purchase caviar and champagne and throw a dinner party for the neighbors. By buying caviar, you will secure jobs for fishermen in the Caspian Sea. By buying champagne, you will ensure prosperity for French vintners.
Both France and Russia are our coalition partners in war, so they will appreciate the economic stimulus. In turn, they will have the money to buy U.S. products, like military hardware from Boeing.
As an added bonus, the dinner party will help relieve neighborhood anxiety in these difficult days and provide work for local caterers.
In no time, we’ll all be back on our feet.
A different approach is offered by the Scarecrow, who tucks his shirt into his straw and shambles forward to speak for the bipartisan compromisers of the Emerald City’s Senate: Take only $250 in red-ink money from every American and split it--half in tax cuts for business and half for those who have been laid off by business; a splendid compromise, see?
How will this work?
Easy, says the Scarecrow: Suppose you are a laid-off flight attendant. You will take your extended unemployment bonus and go on a Hawaiian vacation.
That means that the Waikiki hotel that just laid off all its service staff will have to use its share of the economic stimulus package to rehire a maid to make up your bed. That maid will soon feel flush and take a trip to the mainland, boosting hopes for the airlines.
Meanwhile, the airlines will take their share of the bonus and refit their airplanes so that everyone has leg room and comfortable seats and will want to fly again. The maid will pass the word about the new joys of air travel, and soon the skies will be full of business travelers singing “Kumbaya,” and you will be called back to work, tanned, ready and rested.
This is called the pie-in-the-sky theory of economics.
The Lion speaks last. He cowers in front of the Wizard, his voice cracking, and speaks for liberals: Take an unspecified number of dollars from the storehouse of red ink (liberals always like to negotiate things like this) and rebuild America.
Roads will be repaved and widened. Freeways will be double-decked. Universities will catch up on 25 years of neglected maintenance. Those old wood-lined sewers in upstate Michigan will be replaced with modern concrete sewers.
Our dams will be strengthened before they fall down, and ditto our bridges. A new power grid will be constructed, along with schools to educate our children. Maybe we can put down a few high-speed rail lines, too.
How will this save the economy?
Well, said the Lion, countless businesses will be awarded contracts to begin construction, hiring tens of thousands of unemployed and underemployed Americans. A $6-an-hour hamburger flipper will get a job as a $25-an-hour bulldozer driver.
Wages will rise, pumping more money into the economy. The underclass will become a new and hungry middle class with money burning a hole in its pocket. Before too long, business will be booming, our freeways will be unclogged and we can move efficiently again. The country will be ready to grow again for another generation. And Alan Greenspan can finally take some time off.
This is called the New Deal theory of economics.
“New Deal?” cried the Tin Man, who lacked only a heart, “It will never work! People in Palm Beach will be up in arms at such foolishness.”
“New Deal?” echoed the Scarecrow, wishing only for a brain. “That’s a great idea! But have you noticed that schoolchildren, freeway drivers and hamburger flippers do not give campaign contributions?”
“I see what you mean,” said the Lion, who had both a heart and a brain, but no courage at all.
