No Replacing a Victory

Really, did anyone expect the replacements to be this bad?

Marty Schottenheimer, who replaced Norv Turner as coach of the Washington Redskins, promised more stability, yet benched his starting quarterback early in the third quarter; promised more consistency, yet watched his offense cough up seven fumbles and two interceptions; promised a return to winning football, yet saw his Redskins lose, 30-3, to a team that finished 1-15 a year ago ... a team with an offensive coordinator named Norv Turner.

Marty Mornhinweg, which looks like a typographical error but is in fact the unlucky soul who replaced Gary Moeller as coach of the Detroit Lions, began his first regular-season postgame news conference by stomping his foot and angrily assessing a 28-6 loss to Green Bay: “You cannot let that happen in this league! When plays had to be made, we couldn’t make them. The game’s barely started and we’re down three touchdowns.”

(Sports ticker scrawls across the bottom of a replay showing Brett Favre leveling Detroit defender Alonzo Spellman with a perfect open-field block. “NEW NFL MARTYS NOW 0-2 ...”)

Herman Edwards, who replaced Al Groh as coach of the New York Jets because somebody had to, sent in a special goal-line play that involved 300-pound guard David Loverne posing as a fullback, then watched Loverne wipe out Jet quarterback Vinny Testaverde with a perfect crack-back block. That sent the ball squirting into the hands of Indianapolis defensive end Chukie Nwokorie, who nearly ran out the clock before he ... plodded ... 97 ... long ... slow ... yards into the end zone.

Chukie’s 40-yard time? Sorry, time keeper fell asleep, en route to a 45-24 Edwards’ defeat.

(Nwokorie couldn’t outrun a broken Zamboni on crushed ice, yet no one wearing a Jet uniform could track him down over the course of 97 lumbering yards? Sports ticker scrawls across the bottom of an end zone view of Nwokorie flat on his back in the end zone signaling for the oxygen tank: “HERM, MY MAN, YOU HAVE MORE PROBLEMS THAN ANYONE EVER IMAGINED ....”)

Gregg Williams, who replaced Wade Phillips as coach of the Buffalo Bills, handed the ball to Rob Johnson, who replaced Doug Flutie as the uncontested No. 1 quarterback in Buffalo, and watched as Johnson was sacked five times and intercepted three times during a 24-6 loss to New Orleans.

Then, Williams listened closely as Buffalo fans serenaded his team as it slinked back into the tunnel with the dulcet tones of “Flutie! Flutie! Flutie!”

Butch Davis, who replaced Chris Palmer as coach of the Cleveland Browns, had the good sense to replace most of Palmer’s roster, although not enough of it. Holdover quarterback Tim Couch couldn’t generate more than 13 first downs and two field goals, enabling Seattle to sneak out of Cleveland with a victory, 9-6, despite failing to score a touchdown of its own.

Dick Vermeil, who came out of comfortable retirement to replace Gunther Cunningham as coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, brought Trent Green with him from St. Louis but forgot Marshall Faulk, Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt.

Vermeil’s Chiefs open at home against Oakland, rush for 35 yards, possess the ball for 22 minutes and lose, 27-24, on a late field goal by Sebastian Janikowski that, truth be told, kinda looked like it hooked just wide, although not in the opinion of any of the rookie officials working the game.

(Sports ticker scrawls across the bottom of a close-up of a rookie official asking Jerry Rice for his autograph: “REPLACEMENTS GO 0-6 ON OPENING SUNDAY .... “)

Compared to the new coaches, the new officials were a spectacular success. Sure, there were problems in San Diego, where Redskin defense end Bruce Smith complained of cheap shots and illegal blocks that had gone uncalled, saying, “The integrity of the game is in jeopardy.”

And, OK, the guy refereeing the Carolina-Minnesota game forgot what down it was and had to ask someone standing on the sideline to help him out. And, yes, the officials in Kansas City did seem a little awed by the fact they were actually mingling for a few hours with actual professional football players.

But on the biggest call of the day in the biggest game of the day--St. Louis at Philadelphia--the temp officials seemed to get it right.

A fourth-and-goal effort by Philadelphia’s Cecil Martin appeared, at first look, to have been stopped short of the end zone by the Rams. But after inspecting the replay, referee Al Hynes reversed the call and credited Martin with the touchdown-which appeared to be the correct call, judging from the various replays on the Fox telecast.

That touchdown helped the Eagles rally from a 17-3 deficit and send the game into overtime, giving the Rams another chance to win it--which they did, 20-17--and fans across America got eight extra minutes of unscheduled action between two preseason Super Bowl favorites. Win-win situation for everyone, no?

Replacement quarterbacks also fared surprisingly well, with the biggest surprise ambushing the Vikings inside the Metrodome.

Chris Weinke, 29-year-old rookie, outplayed “John Madden 2002” cover star Daunte Culpepper by throwing for a touchdown and running for another in a 24-13 Carolina upset. (Wonder if that ever happens with the video game.)

Elsewhere:

* Flutie, in his San Diego Charger debut, equaled the combined 2000 victory totals of Ryan Leaf, Moses Moreno and Jim Harbaugh by completing (get this, Charger fans) 10 passes (all of them to guys with lightning bolts on their helmets) in a 27-point rout of the Redskins.

* Jon Kitna and Matt Hasselbeck, the past and present quarterbacks in Seattle, did just enough of the right things to help their teams avoid defeat.

Kitna, now a Cincinnati Bengal, passed for 204 yards and a touchdown in a 23-17 victory over New England.

Hasselbeck, Kitna’s replacement with the Seahawks, got Seattle all the points it would need to win at Cleveland, which, no surprise here, wound up being three field goals.

* Elvis Grbac, taking his marching orders (Just Be Better Than Dilfer, Please) from Baltimore Coach Brian Billick, threw 30 passes, completed 24 and maneuvered the Ravens past Chicago, 17-6. Mission accomplished.

* And in a matchup of all-new quarterbacks, Tampa Bay’s Brad Johnson and Dallas’ Quincy Carter made absolutely no one forget the memories of the men they are replacing.

Johnson led the Buccaneer offense to precisely 10 points--very Shaun King-like numbers--and Carter threw for a total of 34 yards, which used to be a good warmup throw for Troy Aikman to Michael Irvin. Brad 10, Quincy 6 in a captivating showdown between longtime NFC chess rivals.

Throw in Green’s 222 passing yards for the Chiefs in their loss to the Raiders and the eight replacement quarterbacks went 6-2 on the season’s first Sunday.

(Sports ticker scrawls across the bottom of a replay of Kordell Stewart getting intercepted in a 21-3 loss to Jacksonville: “CRY GOES UP IN PITT