Some Stars Retire, and Others Just Get Tired

Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post can’t adjust to the fact that Cal Ripken has retired: “Where’s Cal? Anybody seen Cal? You can’t start a season without Cal.... Excuse me, Tony, you moron, Cal is no longer playing. He retired.

“Hey, just because somebody is no longer playing doesn’t mean he’s retired. Patrick Ewing is no longer playing--but there he is sitting on the Orlando Magic bench like a wax exhibit from Madame Tussaud’s.”

Trivia time: Who was the first foreign-born winner of the Masters?

Tree shot: It has been reported that Cleveland Indian pitcher C.C. Sabathia was a power hitter while playing for Vallejo (Calif.) High. How powerful was he?

His high school coach, Abe Hobbs, told the San Francisco Chronicle: “There’s a eucalyptus tree at our place, about 500 feet from home plate. He reached it one time. Our vice principal still has the ball.”

Try something now: Chuck Finley rejoined the Indians on Friday after missing his first scheduled start after his wife, actress Tawny Kitaen, was charged with spousal abuse for allegedly kicking and scratching him in a car.

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg told the San Francisco Chronicle: “Finley arrived at the clubhouse with his new bodyguard--Tonya Harding.”

More Finley: Paul Giles in humormall.com: “Indians’ catchers now have four signs to flash Finley: fastball, curve, changeup and ‘Look out! It’s your wife!’”

Growing, growing: The Miami Herald reports that on March 20, the day after a Swedish newspaper revealed that model Elin Nordegren was the new girlfriend of Tiger Woods, an Internet search of her name yielded four Web pages.

A week later, that number had grown to 40.

Did you know? Track & Field News reports that Howard K. Smith, the noted television and radio newsman who died at 87 on Feb. 15, was an outstanding track athlete while competing for Tulane.

He set the school record in the 120-yard high hurdles at 14.6 seconds in 1935, a record that lasted for many years.

New challenge: Mike Bianchi in the Orlando Sentinel on O.J. Simpson attorney Johnnie L. Cochran Jr.’s threat to sue NASCAR for allegedly engaging in monopolistic business practices: “When Cochran tries to play the race card this time, it will take on a whole new meaning.”

Looking back: On this day in 1982, 62,000 Indian fans showed up for the season opener at Cleveland’s Municipal Stadium despite a game-time temperature of 38 with a wind-chill factor of 17.

Tons of snow had to be removed from the field before the game.

Trivia answer: Gary Player of South Africa in 1961.

And finally: Art Spander of the Oakland Tribune commenting on Phil Mickelson: “Check the cover of the current Golf Digest. There’s Phil Mickelson.

“Check the cover of the 2002 PGA Tour media guide. There’s Phil Mickelson.

“Where we don’t find him is in the category of major champions (0 for 38, four as an amateur), the category that elevates a man from the rest.”