The Situation Is Getting a Little Hairy for Kings

I didn’t exactly think it was news when the wife told me she’s not going to be sleeping with ZZ Top any time soon.

But I was surprised to learn how upset she was with the Kings being down 2-0 to Colorado in the playoffs. You live with a woman for almost 30 years, and not once was there a hint she was as big a hockey fan as I am.

“Things just didn’t go well in Denver,” I said, “and I’m sure there will be a warm reception at home.” That’s when she mentioned the couch, and the fact it opens into a bed, and I could see that if she were married to Andy Murray, but why me?

“Rip Van Winkle,” she said with disgust, and while I’ve never gone more than two or three days without shaving before, I realized as she continued to talk that she thought I wasn’t going to shave again until the Kings won the Stanley Cup.

*

I EXPLAINED the beard will come off when the Kings are eliminated from the playoffs--if they don’t win the Stanley Cup this year. I also told her about the uncanny resemblance now to Sean Connery and how exciting that might be when I get home, but I guess her cell phone battery went dead.

Anyway, I was here for the Kings on Saturday in the Pepsi Center, and very pleased to see Murray had listened to my advice and was now starting the game with center Jason “Shaq” Allison on the ice. I sometimes wonder how these guys made it to the playoffs, what with all the games I missed this season.

Murray said I had it all wrong when I wrote that Allison had been on the ice for only 20 seconds in the first six minutes the other night. He said Allison stepped on the ice immediately after the puck had been dropped, and skated on three of the team’s first seven shifts.

Obviously we weren’t watching the same game. But I will say this, there are great pretzels in the rear of the Pepsi Center press box, and this is a good reason why they should have someone delivering the free food to the sportswriters rather than making them get up and miss some of the action.

Nothing is free at Staples Center, of course, so that won’t be a problem Monday or Tuesday.

*

BASED ON my experience as a hockey writer, I had a pretty good hunch early on the Kings were going to lose. Ian Laperriere, who is supposedly one of our guys, just hauled off and took a shot at our own goalie. Felix Potvin made a great save, but he had to be a little disheartened later when Laperriere had a wide-open shot at Colorado’s net, and never came close to goalie Patrick Waugh, the net or the same zip code.

The Kings went up, 2-1, because Laperriere was on the bench. The officials called two penalties on our guys so the Avalanche could tie the score. Then my man Allison scored, and while I’m sure he pointed upstairs to thank me for inspiring him, I’d run out of pretzels a few minutes earlier. I’m told his goal was really something to see.

I did get the chance to see what it must be like to watch Tim Salmon try to hit the ball. The puck was sliding in front of Potvin, and my man Allison and Colorado’s Peter Forsberg were there.

Allison took a Salmon-like swing, whiffed and the puck rolled off Potvin, giving Allison another fat pitch to hit, and once again he missed. Forsberg then popped it into the net to tie the score.

Allison slammed his stick into the ice in disgust, knowing I probably would liken him to Salmon in the morning newspaper.

*

THE AVALANCHE finished the scoring, and later Allison and Murray said the same thing: The Kings are stupid.

“We have to be smarter,” Allison said.

“I’m a little critical of some of our decision-making,” Murray said.

Like what? “Like giving the puck to a black jersey rather than a white,” he said. “The odds improve when you pass the puck to someone on your own team.”

I’d like to think they will be able to work that out by Monday night, although it could be confusing if the Kings change to their black sweaters at home.

They also might want to point Laperriere in the right direction, because sooner or later I fear he might get one past Potvin.

*

SEVERAL KINGS’ fans were quick to e-mail and say King President Tim LIE-weke, pardon, Leiweke, stood up at the “State of the Franchise” gathering and said, “T.J. Simers is an idiot.” I asked Leiweke if he said that, and he couldn’t remember. The e-mailers said it was accurate, but I don’t think they were referring to who said it, as much as what was said.

*

THERE WAS a time there when Ray and Claire Nowland said they found humor in this space, and while they certainly didn’t want their neighbors to know that, apparently it helped Claire as she dealt with small cell lung cancer. Ray tells me Claire is no longer with us, thereby cutting my readership in half, and making me more upset that I never had the honor to meet such a brave woman.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Michele Holiday:

“It is a good thing most Kings fans have no idea what you look like, otherwise you probably wouldn’t even make it to the front door of the arena without having rotten eggs and tomatoes thrown at you. I can’t understand why the Kings’ management let you near the players. You’re a negative, mindless, spineless, jelly fish of a journalist and I’d be honored to be the first fan to let you have it in the kisser. You have no idea what you’re writing about when it comes to hockey because the Colorado goaltender is Patrick ROY! Not WAUGH.”

Hockey readers are so smart--you can’t slip anything past them.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com