COMMERCIAL APPEAL

Rating the Super Bowl commercials:

Thumbs Up

1. Hank Aaron gives “advice” to Barry Bonds: That hushed voice was telling Bonds to give it up, to walk away, whispering: “Why hang around just to break the all-time home-run record?” Bonds, hitting in an empty stadium, finally has heard enough, replying: “Hank, will you cut it out already?” Nice cut to an embarrassed-looking Aaron in the press box, just before the requisite pitch for Charles Schwab investment advice.

2. This Falcon won’t fumble: The beer-toting falcon delivers Bud Light to a party on roof-top terrace. “Wow, that is so cool. Can he do it again?” a girl asks. The falcon is shown, diving into a sidewalk cafe, terrorizing people and bringing back his quarry, more beer and something extra. And so ... the best Falcon to appear in a Super Bowl.

3. Six degrees of VISA: The popular Kevin Bacon game--who hasn’t been in a movie with him? --is played by Bacon as he attempts to write a check and needs to show identification. The tongue-in-cheek attitude worked with Bob Dole in his Super Bowl spot a couple of years ago when he returned to his hometown and couldn’t cash a check, and the mild self-mocking approach holds up with Bacon.

4. Bring on the dancing horses: There was always something about these horses that, well, seem to cause even the most cynical scribe to get a lump in the throat. Here, no words are needed as the Clydesdales move through the snowy hills, woods and small towns, eventually ending up in New York, dropping their heads in a moment of tribute to the victims of the terrorist attacks of Sept 11.

5. Candyland: This mixed reality and fantasy. A guest is checking in at a swank hotel and is asked a series of questions: “Would you like a free newspaper in the morning ... a wake-up call ... and how about our turndown service with a complimentary chocolate on your pillow?” The chocolate turns out to be a red M&M.; The candy asks: “Can I watch TV?” Even when you expect the unexpected with Super Bowl ads, this one, silly and all, still hits the mark.

6. Office of National Drug Control policy: Sharp and to the point, showing dollar figures for various items and asking, “Where do terrorists get their money?” The answer: “If you buy drugs, some of it might come from you.” This shows ads don’t have to be humorous to be effective.

Thumbs Down

1. Belly flop: Our advice--don’t get a mlife. These ads struggled to find the right tone, or any tone for that matter, during the entire program. In particular, our least favorite about going “wireless” featured belly buttons of an infinite variety. Luckily, there was no jello served with our halftime snacks.

2. Subway series: The sandwich guys had a rough Super Bowl outing. But the Subway ad stood out with the annoying man who kept breaking into the conversation of the other patrons at a table nearby with chimes of “low fat.” Little did they know it was Subway’s weight-loss star Jared. Bring on the extra cheese.

3. Legs of Gumby: The music was fine, even promising. Then came the sight of a guy and his gumby-like legs, flying out of control as he moved across the street. Flyweight Levi’s jeans, we know, but there is a fine line between cleverness, and well, weirdness.

4. Malcolm on the bottom: This is part of the bargain, of course. You are going to get a huge dose of cross-promotion on Fox, and it really was interesting for a moment or two, when Ally McBeal was confronted by a girl, saying: “I’m your daughter.” If only the Malcolm promotions had been a little less frequent and a little less annoying. Then again, it could have been worse. We could have seen some more belly buttons.