Without Woods, Favorite Is ... Well, Who Cares?

I went to Riviera with an open mind Wednesday expecting to find the ropes down and a tee time that would allow me to play at least nine holes--figuring if Tiger Woods wasn’t going to be here there wouldn’t be any interest in the Nissan Open.

Now I’ve heard TV announcers talk about how brave and courageous golfers can be, but I always considered that ridiculous--until now-- seeing the determination in these no-name drips to play on like anyone really cares.

Tournament director Tom Pulchinski said it might be good P.R. for the event if I talked to Robert Allenby about his victory here over Tiger last year. I asked if someone could tell me what the guy looks like, and then asked Allenby, “Why would anyone in L.A. want to watch this year’s tournament now that Tiger isn’t playing?”

Well, you would have thought my cell phone rang in the middle of his backswing the way he looked at me, and snapped: “Then don’t come--go home.”

Now personally I can’t think of a single reason to watch golf if Tiger isn’t swinging a club, but I know some people are making weekend plans, so I wanted to give the pros a chance to sell themselves. Now if you like growling golfers, I highly recommend Allenby.

“It’s pointless to even talk to you--I think I’ll find someone else to ask me a question,” huffed Allenby, who walked away. But after discovering no one else wanted to talk with him, he came back to say, “It’s just pointless for me to go on.” But he did, and as chatty as he was, I can’t see this guy yelling, “Fore,” and leaving it at that.

I told him watching a golf tournament without Tiger is like watching an NBA game between Cleveland and Atlanta, and when I asked him to name a golfer--besides Tiger--who is compelling to watch, he said, “all of us.”

When I laughed, that probably didn’t help his disposition, but before he stomped off, he said, “That’s your opinion and your opinion doesn’t mean anything.”

I wish he’d told me right from the start he’s a regular reader of Page Two.

*

GOLFERS, OF course, are some of the most pampered athletes in pro sports. After allowing the game-deciding run, the media surrounds the losing pitcher in the clubhouse, but in golf only the leaders are brought to the media tent each day where they get such challenging questions as “How were the greens today?” The real crummy golfers go unquestioned most days, and if the guys who strike out all the time in baseball got the same kind of treatment, we’d never hear what Eric Karros has to say.

Take Wednesday, for example. The folks who run the Nissan Open brought Sergio Garcia to the media tent, and not one reporter took the opportunity to tell the kid what an annoyance he’s become. He just stands there over the ball, wiggling and gripping and regripping the club as if it has been sitting on the stove, and so now every kid is going to grow up shimmying over the ball--giving us nine-hour rounds on our public golf courses.

“Do you realize how much you bug me when you do that?” I told Garcia.

“Don’t watch,” Garcia said, and listening to Garcia and Allenby, I got the impression they don’t want me here. My other choice is to go to USC on Saturday.

*

I WENT to an unflappable and mild-mannered Fred Couples, knowing he would roll with anything, and said, “Why would anyone come to this tournament now that Tiger won’t be playing?”

So that’s what a flappable and angry Fred Couples looks like, his voice rising and becoming gruff. “That’s not a legitimate question.... That’s crazy.... That’s the most ridiculous question I have ever heard. How can you ask a question like that?”

To show him how easy it was to ask a question like that, I repeated it.

“That’s a slap in the face,” Couples said, and I would imagine that’s what it felt like for anyone who bought an $80 ticket for the tournament before learning Tiger had withdrawn.

*

IN ADDITION to Tiger, Phil Mickelson is not going to be here this week, which is surprising, because I would think The Big Choker would jump at the chance to play in any tournament Woods skips.

One official told me 40 of the top 50 money winners will be here, while another said 31 of the top 50. It doesn’t matter--Chris DiMarco and Jerry Kelly are Nos. 1 and 2, and if someone had told me they’re representing the U.S. in the two-man bobsled, I would have believed them.

“There are good players like David Duval here,” Couples said.

“The guy is boring,” I said. “I like personality in my athletes.”

Couples persisted. “Sergio Garcia has charisma.”

“Ever watch him stand there and just wiggle?”

Couples nodded. “Yeah, I don’t like that,” and then he cracked, going full circle on me and saying, “It’s a legitimate question,” asking about Tiger “now that I’ve gotten over the jolt of being asked” about it so directly.

“Listen, [Tiger] is my all-time favorite player, but I don’t think there’s only going to be 4,000 people here instead of 40,000--just because Tiger isn’t playing.”

I know for a fact, however, that whatever they were going to draw with Tiger here--there’s going to be one less person in attendance.

USC, here I come.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail James Burbott:

“I hear Salma Hayek has a thing for sportswriters who actually write about sports.”

So that’s what has been holding her back.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.