It’s Not Your Granddaddy’s Rose Bowl

You back the grandest old football game into a corner, shut out the sun, turn down the heat, hook it up to machines, and what do you expect?

What happened on a cool damp night Thursday, we all knew would happen.

Granddaddy has never looked so frail.

He’s never seemed so confused.

He’s never fallen asleep so early.

The Rose Bowl was the Hosed Bowl.

Miami picked up a national championship, Nebraska picked up a twisted neck, and the rest of us had our pockets picked.

The final score was Miami 37, Nebraska 14.

The more important number is the one that connected me with David Rothman.

The South Bay guy is one of the eight BCS computer nerds who decided that it would be Nebraska--and not Oregon--that would play Miami for the national title.

I phoned him at his home at halftime with a couple of questions.

Did he know that Nebraska looked like a wheat stalk playing a game of tag with a combine?

Did he know that stiff Eric Crouch became the first Heisman Trophy to resemble the actual Heisman Trophy?

Did he know that Miami led by 34 stinking points?

“What’s the score?” he said.

The score?

“I turned the channel to something else when it was 27-0.”

How dare you.

“Nebraska looked terrible.

“They looked impotent.”

And who’s fault is that, Mr. Ranked-Nebraska-Second?

“Based on the information available, my computer model was the right model.”

But now you will change the model?

“No, my system is still the best system.”

Are you out of your digital mind?

“Tonight was an extreme variation.”

Yeah, and on that first touchdown, Andre Johnson was giving out love pats.

This is how it started. This was our first clue.

Midway through the first quarter, Johnson streaked down the right sideline one-on-one with Nebraska star cornerback Keyuo Craver.

Then, with one big swoop, he knocked Craver on his tush.

Said Craver: “He grabbed me and pulled me and got the best of me.”

Said Johnson: “I tried to get a little physical. He fell down.”

Johnson ended up more alone than an Omaha vegetarian. Ken Dorsey lofted him a 49-yard touchdown pass that eventually symbolized a game.

Nebraska sat while Miami sprinted.

It was first-round, one-punch knockout.

Then we had to spend the next 11 rounds watching Miami dance and Nebraska writhe.

OK, so Nebraska scored twice in the second half.

But both touchdowns came after dumb Miami penalties that would have prevented them.

Miami, unbeaten and seemingly untouchable, certainly deserves the unanimous national championship.

But the Rose Bowl didn’t deserve this.

The humans wanted Oregon in this game.

As usual, the humans were right.

“Lot of guys talk about they should have been here,” countered Edward Reed, Miami safety, speaking directly to those teams. “But you weren’t here. And if you were here, you would have gotten the same treatment.”

Granted, it seems like nobody would have beaten Miami Thursday.

Nobody could match their speed, which left Nebraska defensive end Chris Kelsay wide-eyed.

“They really have some athletes,” he said. “And those athletes really stepped up to the plate.”

Nobody could also match Dorsey’s touch, his offensive line’s push, and their defense’s pressure.

“We certainly didn’t play well or make it a competitive game, so, from that end of it, it was certainly not the matchup everybody dreamed of,” Nebraska Coach Frank Solich said.

“But whether any other matchup would have been any different, I don’t know.”

But wouldn’t we have liked to find out?

So Oregon’s defense might have allowed 40 points. Think there’s at least a chance that Joey Harrington could have led their offense to 42?

Heck, we would have taken Oregon against Illinois on New Year’s afternoon rather than watch this mess.

The game began with the waving and shaking of 60,000 red-clad Nebraska fans who filled most of the stadium.

By halftime, they were the world’s largest holiday tablecloth.

The game began with touching anthems and a Navy fly-over above our usual midfield painted rose.

By halftime, that rose had been dulled and flattened by Nebraska backs.

The game began with everyone so impressed with Nebraska’s fearlessness.

But a Solich decision at the end of the first quarter changed all that.

Still trailing only 7-0, Nebraska drove 53 yards in nine plays.

It was facing fourth-and-seven on the Miami 33-yard line.

The Huskers called timeout.

They were going to go for the first down, right?

Wrong.

In a decision that cowered and twittered, they ran back on the field and punted.

The 19-yard squib was exactly what Miami needed.

The Hurricanes scored on their next possession.

And their next possession.

And their next possession.

And the one after that.

They scored on a run where their guy stumbled in the backfield and it still didn’t matter.

They scored on an interception return where Nebraska receiver Tracey Wistrom watched the ball sail through his hands.

They scored on what looked like a sandlot, you-go-to-the-trash-can-and-I’ll-lob-it-to-you pass to Jeremy Shockey.

And they scored on a pass where Johnson simply jogged into the end zone, turned around, and caught it.

Incidentally, when Nebraska went for the first down on a similar play late in the game, it ended up scoring a touchdown.

“We had the ability to pin them back there ... make them go the length of the field,” Solich said. “I think that was probably the right decision, and I still think it is the right decision.”

In looking back on what might have been the biggest mismatch in Rose Bowl history, there was really one terribly wrong decision.

It was the decision of this game’s organizers to buy into the promises from this certain hokey outfit that things would be different.

All hail Miami.

And to hail with the BCS.

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Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com.