Virtual Meat

The past generation has certainly seen its share of scientific achievements. The Internet. Radial keratotomy. The Bose Wave radio. But the wonder of our time, hands down, has to be fake meat. Clearly the world’s finest scientific minds have been working not on cancer or aerospace or the Human Genome Project, but on bogus burgers and faux franks, or what industry insiders call “meat analogues.” It’s like a peacetime version of the Manhattan Project. Almost overnight humankind has acquired the ability to start with a soybean and end up with something that for all the world looks, smells, feels and tastes like Canadian bacon. That’s like starting with a backhoe and ending up with a reasonable likeness of David Hyde Pierce.

Scoff though you may, fellow hunter-gatherers, I recently tried a meatless pepperoni stick that would fool a USDA inspector. Using wheat, yeast, the splendiferous soybean and other equally unmeatlike household items such as beet-root powder, seaweed extracts and konjac flour, makers have figured out how to concoct uncanny approximations of hot dogs, hamburgers, cold cuts (bologna, turkey, ham, salami), ground round, chicken nuggets--even chorizo. The packaging for a chorizo product called Soyrizo notes that its meatless rendition of the popular Mexican sausage lacks “the traditional salivary glands [and] lymph nodes.” Now there’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

I can smell you disbelievers out there. Years ago, you took a flier and tried an early-version veggie burger, which tasted like a rosin bag that Sandy Koufax left on the mound in 1966, and you haven’t tried another one since. Well, wake up and smell the isolated soy protein. The world has changed since then. Garden burgers actually taste like burgers. Or at least close enough for any carnivore interested in ingesting considerably less fat, cholesterol, calories, preservatives and E. coli. Ironically, while Gardenburger Inc. has improved its burger product and expanded into other lines of meat mimicry, the company has seen its market share sink due to beefed-up competition from companies such as Yves Veggie Cuisine, Lightlife, Boca Foods and an assortment of other meatless upstarts and start-ups.

Vegetarian meat isn’t just for vegans and PETA members anymore. I like meat as much as the next guy, but it’s nice to be able to satisfy at least some of those atavistic desires with a hot dog that isn’t the nutritional equivalent of hazardous waste and hasn’t been rendered by a slaughterhouse. I think of meatless meat as just another weapon in the dietary arsenal, an option in the same category as saltless salt, sugarless sugar and butterless butter. Admittedly, not even the finest meatless burgers can match a fat, juicy, chin-dribbling version of the real thing. They bear a closer resemblance to those thin prefab patties sold in bulk with sheets of waxed paper separating them, the sort of thing you find at street fairs and charity picnics. Still, with the right garnish and condiments, you’ve got yourself a modern-day miracle, and nobody gets hurt.

Meatless Meatloaf

Serves 6

2 12-ounce packages of ground-round meat substitute, such as Lightlife Gimme Lean Beef

1 medium to large onion, diced or chopped

2 cloves garlic, crushed

2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce

2 tablespoons ketchup

2 tablespoons prepared brown mustard

Salt and pepper to taste

Mix all ingredients together. Spread in lightly oiled 9-by-5-by-4-inch loaf pan. Cook uncovered in 350-degree oven until done, about 45 minutes. Serve hot with your favorite gravy.