Please Don’t Feed the Celebrities

Wilt Chamberlain, the late basketball legend, was hard to miss when out in public, given that he stood 7 foot 1 tall. Still, Chamberlain was reputed to have little patience for those who tried to be cute by asking such questions as, “How’s the weather up there?”

“It’s raining,” he would say, perhaps apocryphally, before spitting in their direction.

Sighting celebrities, of course, is a far cry from actually encountering and engaging them, which is a dicier proposition, and certainly more uncouth.

No matter how hard they work at getting everyone to know their name, celebrities generally like to mind their own business. While some are more tolerant of autograph seekers and fans than others, many take umbrage at being harassed while they are trying to drop off their kids at school, pick out a shirt or have dinner with friends.

I learned this firsthand at age 5, when, on a trip to Palm Springs, my parents sent me over to say hello to Jack Benny in a restaurant. Cute as I was, Benny briefly looked at me as if I had just crawled out from under the refrigerator and went back to his conversation.

For most people, the sighting itself is more than enough to satisfy them. Others, however, need to be reminded that just because celebrities enter our homes thanks to the magic of TV doesn’t mean they recognize us or are eager to invite us to return the favor.

In this regard, a few helpful pointers--or more specifically, “don’ts”--are particularly useful and could spare an unwitting fan looking for a story to tell the neighbors or folks back home from being pummeled by one or more of the Baldwin brothers.

When you see celebrities, don’t:

* Ask if you can have a sip of what they are drinking. I know someone who did this once. It is a little bit too familiar.

* Tell them how much you hated their last project, or how much you hate them. Some celebrities are sensitive about such things.

* Expect to make a comic or sitcom star laugh by telling them a joke. For starters, comics don’t really want to be funny all the time, and odds are you’re not going to double them over when they’re just trying to get through the supermarket checkout line. In addition, sitcom actors are seldom as witty without their writers, and very few of them are willing to be seen in public with their writers.

* Tell them that they are shorter than you thought. They probably know how tall they are (or aren’t).

* Gush all over them about how wonderful they are, unless they are the kind of mid- to low-level celebrity that you--and only you--would recognize. Do you really think Russell Crowe and Julia Roberts don’t have enough people, just in their daily lives, telling them over and over that they’re terrific?

* Tell them you have a script that would be perfect for them, unless you want to meet a burly young security guard up close and personal.

* Drink heavily before trying to speak with them. Heavy drinking, it’s worth remembering, has a bad habit of making us braver than we should be.

* Take offense that your date is looking at them, especially if you are braver than you should be due to heavy drinking. You are looking at them. Everyone is looking at them. That’s the reason they’re celebrities.

* Ever, ever feed them after midnight.

*

Brian Lowry is a Times staff writer.