For $5,000, You Too Can Join the Roundtable

The letter was sent to my home, inviting me to become a member of a select, high-powered fraternity with access to the world’s most powerful policymakers.

“Dear Mr. Lopez:

“It is through gathering the best and brightest of our Party that we are able to develop sound Republican strategies that tackle the problems of today and debate the issues of tomorrow.”

I almost ran out and had all my shirts monogrammed. Never before had I received a personal letter from the Republican Presidential Roundtable. My gold-sealed invitation is positively suitable for framing.

“The Republican leadership of the United States Senate is honored to nominate Mr. Steven Lopez to serve as a representative from California,” it said.

As a perk, I’d been invited to break bread with President Bush and attend a tribute party for former President Reagan. They wanted me to be “among the top echelon of leaders who are shaping our Party’s future.”

Geez, I might get to meet Enron’s Ken Lay. Maybe, if I act now, they’ll throw in an Andersen paper shredder so I can dispose of financial documents that might prove embarrassing down the road.

But before I put on my party hat, one small problem crossed my mind.

I’m not a Republican.

True enough, I had spent some time traveling with Bush during the 1999-2000 presidential campaign. I’d hung around with Republican Sen. John McCain, too, and thought he was the most honorable man on the trail.

But I’ve been a dues-paying union man most of my career, have railed for years against corporate welfare and never lobbied a cabinet official for a tax break.

So the obvious question is, why do the captains of industry feel compelled to set a place for me at the Republican Roundtable?

I thought maybe they’d seen the columns in which I roughed up Gov. Gray Davis, a Democrat. But that couldn’t be it. I haven’t exactly been leading cheers for his probable Republican opponent, Dick Riordan.

Then it hit me. It’s my name.

We all know the Bush family has tried its best to reach out to Latinos, dating back to when Abuelo (Grandpa) Bush proudly pointed out “the little brown ones” among his grandchildren.

President Bush recently flew to California to rub shoulders with Latino businessmen in Ontario. Maybe, while he was here, some of his people went through phone books.

Before they review my application, though, I do have something else to confess.

Not only am I not a Republican, I’m not brown.

(Does anyone in the upper ranks of this party do any homework at all?)

My father’s family is from Spain, I’ve been called olive-skinned, y yo hablo un poquito. But I’m wondering if the Roundtable guessed someone else was coming to dinner.

I’m reminded of the time I won the Filipino-American Society scholarship in high school, then saw nothing but puzzled looks on Fil-Am officers when I arrived at the banquet to collect the $200 cash. There was a Filipino kid named Lopez in my class, and the scholarship was intended for him.

Another possible explanation for my nomination to the Roundtable is that Republicans, like Democrats, are such insatiable beggars, they’ll randomly hit up anyone for money, whether it’s a shot in the dark or not.

I had to read all the way to the fourth page of my Roundtable invitation to find out membership will cost me $5,000. The money, I’m told, will be spent on Republican Senate candidates.

Or, if I scammed the five grand out of my company, there would be fewer strings attached, and the contribution could go toward any number of Republican causes.

It’s a lot of money, sure, but let’s face it: Public policy is for sale to the highest bidder, so if you want to be a player, you’ve got to ante up.

Thanks to their connections, Enron operatives lobbied for the kind of deregulation that made the company’s value soar, and top execs were secretly advising the Bush administration on energy policy. Then, as the company was tanking, Enron poobahs were in touch with Bush cabinet officials who kept their mouths shut, even as Enron’s top brass dashed away with millions while unsuspecting employees saw their life savings go up in smoke.

Membership has its advantages. And do you think Enron would have gotten within six states of D.C. if Ken Lay and his pals hadn’t kicked $1.7 million to Republican causes in the 1999-2000 campaign?

Then you’ve got Andersen, which contributed $1 million to the Republican cause in the same campaign cycle. That investment can’t hurt, now that the firm has been dragged into a criminal investigation after admitting it shredded Enron financial documents.

I always thought, by the way, that you were supposed to keep financial records for years. But Andersen, one of the most successful auditing outfits in all the land, has set an example I think we should all follow: Live fast and loose, cover your trail and maintain lots of friends in high places.

Yes, I want in. I hereby accept my nomination to the Republican Presidential Roundtable.

Yo tengo el dinero, amigos. Yo quiero ser Republicano.

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Steve Lopez writes Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. His e-mail address is steve.lopez@latimes.com.