They Have Relocated to a New Universe

Steve Oakey of the San Diego Union-Tribune reports that golf pros Charles Howell III and Jesper Parnevik, who already wear the same clothing line, are starting to think alike.

“Did we land on the moon, or is that a fabrication?” Howell asked during a recent tournament. “Yeah, there’s a flag up there, but the flag is pointing out and there’s no wind to blow the flag.

“Think about that.

“Jesper also thinks we’re on the outer part of the Earth, and if you look at the sky, you’re actually looking inward. So if you were to fly from the Earth into the sun, you’d actually be flying into the Earth.

“The rotation of the Earth keeps us suspended, hanging from the middle of it. See what I’m saying?”

No, but it’s fascinating.

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Trivia time: Who holds the NFL playoff record for the longest field goal?

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Job awaits him: Tom FitzGerald in the San Francisco Chronicle: “The Raiders’ Darrell Russell explained his latest drug violation to Fox’s Jim Rome by saying somebody spiked his drink with Ecstasy.

“He again blamed his first violation on second-hand marijuana smoke and his second on not being notified of a scheduled drug test at his home.

“During this year’s suspension, Russell could stay busy as a consultant to Enron.”

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Kind hit man: Brian Urlacher, the Chicago Bears’ outstanding second-year linebacker, isn’t mean enough, according to that old meanie, Bear linebacker Dick Butkus.

Butkus told the New York Times that he didn’t like to see Urlacher knock a player down and then help him up.

Responded Urlacher, “I like hitting someone so hard they don’t know where they are, but I don’t want to be a jerk about it.”

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Fraudulent fans: Oakland authorities have issued several citations to Raider fans for fraudulently using disabled placards to park closer to Oakland’s Network Associates Coliseum.

“So many people were coming in with those things, it was like shooting ducks in a pond--the abuse was outrageous,” Oakland police Lt. Dave Kozicki said.

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Credit where it’s due: Brenda Warner, wife of St. Louis Ram quarterback Kurt Warner, did the talking for him at a news conference announcing Warner’s winning the most-valuable-player award because he had been told to rest his ailing vocal cords.

Said Brenda, “Kurt would first like to thank his wife for everything he’s ever done.”

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Food fight: With William “the Refrigerator” Perry pulling out, Butterbean Esch will fight former Steeler offensive lineman Craig Wolfley on Feb. 3 in Gulfport, Miss.

Wolfley, a 260-pounder who gives up about 100 pounds to Butterbean, says, “The real fight will be at the buffet table.”

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Trivia answer: Pete Stoyanovich of Miami, 58 yards against Kansas City in 1990.

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And finally: Tom Keegan in the New York Post: “The Dodgers have finally gotten back at the Mets for creating such a soft landing strip for Mike Piazza after they foolishly dealt him.

“They got back at the Mets by sending Gary Sheffield to the Braves in a trade nearly as one-sided as the Mets’ heist of Robbie Alomar from the Indians.”