The World’s in Chaos, and He’s Just Along for Deride

These people live among you:

Yiming Tung: “In the world according to me, serving notice bridges the gap between the civilized world and the world of chaos. Now to serve notice on L.A. Times writer T.J. Simers. The constant barrage of insults and derision of local teams has crossed the line. I yearn to read about the hopes and promises of spring, not opinions that ridicule my miserable life for being worse than it really is.”

I would never make fun of your miserable life.

Jim Campbell: “I’ve been a big Angels’ fan all my life, and ... “

Sir, I can’t help you.

Mike Walter: “If you’re ever in Omaha, I’d like to buy you ‘The Jerk,’ a drink. I’m assuming that’s what T.J. stands for. If your brains were gasoline, there wouldn’t be enough inside your head to power an ant around the inside of a Cheerio.”

I guess I don’t have to tell you to start drinking without me.

Jim Post: “Just shut up and go away. What is your problem with Shaq hitting back after getting hit so often? Maybe you’ll get it through your big, fat, thick skull why Shaq defended himself. Go back to wherever you came from. We don’t like you. You better stay away from Staples Center yourself; I’m sure people are fed up with you. I read your stupid article and as usual you think it’s all a big joke.”

I love you, man.

KathrynBlueJe: “I’m usually as mild-mannered as Clark Kent, but you are a [donkey]. I was looking forward to reading a nice article on the Angels and I had to read that thing you wrote. I told my doctor about the article ... “

I don’t always get the chance to say it, but I wish the best for all my sick e-mailers.

Matt Dwyer: “I’m a hockey fan and you’re a wimp. Being a sportswriter on page two for the Times you should be promoting all sports and not disparaging them.”

Why is it that everyone named Dwyer has no idea what they’re talking about?

Robert Sinik: “You are fat.”

It certainly can’t be because of my wife’s cooking.

Grey Brooks: “Do you really believe no response to aggression is the correct response? I’m surprised at your criticism of Shaq for defending himself. Do you condemn Robin Hood? Dirty Harry? Do you think we responded properly after Pearl Harbor?”

Are you suggesting Shaq should have responded with bow and arrow, .357 Magnum or atomic bomb?

John Ward: “I just read your story on the Angels. I need a mop to wipe up all the sarcasm. Your tone is ridiculous and completely unnecessary. You remind me of that kid in junior high who has to roll his eyes at anything the teacher says.”

I wish you could see me right now.

Juan Mena: “I got to see your sports show and you guys talking about Shaq. Don’t ever give your expert opinion on something you know nothing about. You two are the kind of guys that would be punked out of lunch and dinner, get sand kicked in your face and still do nothing. Call me if you wanna do anything about it, geeks.”

I’ll give Plaschke your number.

Bob McIntyre: “Well, you have the Shaq incident all wrong and need to change your points of view or better play me on the basketball court or I will meet you in the supermarket. I have read both of you--Simmers’ column is a little off kilter for me, but something different, while I’ve liked the stuff [Plaschke] has written. But shame on both of you.”

Name the supermarket and Plaschke will be there.

Ms. Patricia Vanelli: “It’s easy for middle-aged, overweight men who’ve never played at competitive sports, much less professional sports, to sit in their plush chairs and criticize.”

It’d be even easier if we never had to get up, and there was a Ms. around to serve us dinner.

Cory Sevening: “Looooooooooooooser.”

Good news: I hear spell-check is coming to Nebraska next year.

Jeff Kuka: “I am still a fan of the Angels and I love my team. I found your article not funny and insulting. You probably kick little dogs and pop kids’ balloons as you pass by.”

The look on the kids’ faces is just priceless.

David Price, NCAA vice president for enforcement services: “You mentioned you don’t get invited to many places any more. I have the same problem. Maybe we should start a club.”

We could have our meetings at USC.

Oscar Guzman: “I have a four-year-old daughter, who until Saturday wanted to play for the Sparks, but she changed her mind after watching what happened to Shaq. She said, ‘If I’m bigger than everyone else they’re all going to beat me up when I get the ball.”’

It’s nice to hear something good came as a result of what happened to Shaq.

Jackson Inman: “I have canceled my subscription to the Times because of your careless characterization of Nebraska fans.”

You might want to reconsider: There was great care given in the characterization of Nebraska fans.

David Moore: “In times like these, it seems to me the job of the local media is to edify the local teams. Let’s say for argument, the Angels up and move to another city, thus requiring half as many baseball sportswriters in Southern California. I’d be happy to put your name at the top of the list of those to go.”

Sorry, but I’ll be spending more time with our great hockey teams.

Gary Dote: “I want to know why you have so much hate for the Angels. I’m tired of reading blatant Angel bashing articles. It’s funny how rarely I see any Dodger bashing.”

You’re right--I have to start bashing the Dodgers more.

Pat Grier: “Please, if you have nothing intelligent to write about figure skating, don’t bother.”

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.