Now He Is Looking to Complete Three-Peat

Today is the two-year anniversary of the first appearance of this Page Two column. Auditors are still adding up the number of canceled subscriptions.

For those betting the over and under that it wouldn’t last two days--you lose. By the way that’s not the first wager Sports Editor Bill Dwyre has lost, and I’m hoping it’s not his last. “I’m betting there won’t be a third anniversary,” Dwyre said Wednesday.

It’s with that kind of inspiration I begin a third year--still waiting for USC President Steven Sample to return a call, but thrilled to learn former Dodger F.P. Santangelo has lifted his batting average to .157 for the Sacramento River Cats.

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I’M SURE it’s only a coincidence, but today is also the two-year anniversary of Kevin Brown standing on a table in the middle of the Dodger clubhouse throwing a tantrum, tossing a metal container of sanitary socks against the wall and then demanding officials revoke the Page Two columnist’s media credentials and post pictures of all Times’ sportswriters so security could refuse them admittance.

I believe it’s also the last time Kevin Brown was healthy enough to pitch.

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ON MONDAY I requested through Dodgers’ public relations an interview with Brown. On Tuesday morning a spokesman said they had not talked to Brown yet because they hadn’t found just the right time to do it.

I got to thinking, what would be the right time to approach Brown? After being sedated with a dart shot from long range? By radio after he has lifted off in a spacecraft for the moon? Frozen and hanging upside down alongside Ted Williams?

Before Tuesday night’s game, a Dodger spokesman informed me Brown had elected not to speak. You can imagine my surprise.

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I COULDN’T be sure, though, the message had been delivered to him correctly. What if the PR guy had said, “Do you want to talk to a Times columnist?”

Would you want to talk with Pucin or Plaschke? I wanted him to know I was the one willing to chat, and went to him myself. I thought about asking to borrow Chad Kreuter’s mask, chest protector and shin guards because he doesn’t use them much, but instead made plans to duck if necessary.

“What do you want to talk about?” Brown said.

I told him this was his chance to wish me a heartfelt “happy anniversary,” saving him the trouble of buying and then sending a card.

“I haven’t seen a retraction from something you made up, so I’m not interested in talking,” he said, and then he was gone to leave me wondering what I was supposed to retract.

I looked back through some of the 450 columns I’ve written the past two years, many that included Mr. Grumpy’s name, and in every one of them he came off like a jerk, so it’s not like I was making up anything. I dug deeper.

I found the column I wrote about the kissing lesbians in Dodger Stadium in which I discovered one of them was porn star Nico Treasures, and even went back to her Web site Wednesday to see if there was any improper mention of Mr. Grumpy. But there were only pictures--just the same, I checked every one of them closely, but never noticed Mr. Grumpy.

I looked at the Cade McNown column about him stealing one of Hef’s roommates, resulting in his banishment from the Playboy Mansion and there was some mention of Dumbo in there, but I think I was talking about McNown’s ears and not Brown. I could see, though, where that might have hit a little close to home with Brown.

I know I wrote about him dropping his pants, bending over and slapping his bare behind on more than one occasion after a female reporter had walked by, but he couldn’t be upset about that because he has admitted to team officials as much.

I’d hope by the time we get together again for anniversary No. 3, Mr. Grumpy would be more specific about what he wants.

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CHOKING DOGS’ update: When we last left the guys Tuesday, they were falling apart. Before Wednesday’s game, Paul Lo Duca chose to disagree with this assessment, and did so in a calm and professional manner before going out and getting three hits.

In the middle of this discussion, however, Brian Jordan busted in and did his Gary Sheffield imitation. “Just don’t talk to me,” Jordan shouted, and I told him I really couldn’t do that anyway, because when the going gets tough he likes to go out the back door and avoid the media.

“You know what?” he said. “You write negative.”

On a positive note, Jordan only struck out two of the three times he came to the plate in the Dodgers’ 7-0 defeat, and misplayed only one ball hit to him in the outfield.

All in all, I would think a very good game for Jordan.

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I’LL TELL you how tight the Dodgers are these days: I even got the cold shoulder from pint-sized “Dawson’s Creek” actor James Van Der Beek, who has been running around in a Dodger uniform the past few weeks.

“You got him in trouble,” Eric Karros said. “No one knew he was here until you wrote about it.”

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THE DODGERS are 5-11 since Manager Jim Tracy delivered his “I told you so” speech in Anaheim, declaring the organization great and everyone else dumb for doubting the team’s chances for success.

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ALONG WITH the Page Two anniversary, today is also the birthday of the wife, and while it has been a wonderful life, what if she hadn’t been born some 50 or 60 years ago? I wouldn’t have two daughters, there wouldn’t be a grocery store bagger, and I wouldn’t have anything to write about. Thus, no column.

If you want to blame anyone for the past two years, blame the wife for being born.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com