Winning Derby System Brings a Tear to His Eye

I had War Emblem to win the Kentucky Derby.

Now you might be asking yourself: “How does the genius do it?”

To be honest, I got a tip from our own handicapper, Bob Mieszerski, who wrote in Saturday morning’s newspaper that War Emblem “is much more likely to finish last than he is to win.”

That officially made War Emblem a “sure thing.”

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SO I called the Grocery Store Bagger and asked if he wanted to make a wager on the Kentucky Derby. I’m always surprised when I find him awake.

He thought I was calling to bet against him, because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past three years. So instead of pooling our money on War Emblem, right away the wise guy tells me Harlan’s Holiday, Came Home or Perfect Drift is going to win, and for $20 I can have all the other horses.

My daughter is going to marry this guy. It becomes clearer and clearer to me every day I’m going to have to work the rest of my life to support them. I hope Mieszerski keeps writing about horse racing.

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WHEN THE horses came out onto the track, NBC announcer Tom Hammond proclaimed this “the most sentimental moment in sports,” and then added, “even the horses get misty eyed” when everyone begins singing “My Old Kentucky Home.”

It must be frustrating to get misty eyed and have to keep all four hooves on the ground with no chance of wiping your eyes before running 11/4 miles at full speed.

I wonder if trainer Bob Baffert read some of Bill Plaschke’s columns to War Emblem to prepare him to run with tears in his eyes?

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NO HORSE in the previous 127 years of the Derby had ever won from post position No. 19, where Easy Grades was slated to start. Jockey Gary Stevens abandoned the mule, and experts said Eric Karros could outrun the horse.

One of our editors, Vic Seper, bet Easy Grades to win, and included him in his trifecta and superfecta wagers. Easy Grades finished 13th. I suspect Seper was a bagger at one time in his life. I might end up having to support him too.

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SPORTS EDITOR Bill Dwyre urged me to try to sign up Saturday morning for TVG, the new betting service on the Internet that allows you to stay home and bet on races. Personally, I wouldn’t authorize using company money to bet on horses, but I thought I would try something new, and listen to Dwyre.

I found the service responsive and without any hitches. I also found it a little scary, because you can just keep betting company money all day long, which Dwyre is going to have to explain to somebody at some point.

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DO NOT, however, watch racing from Hollywood Park on Fox Sports Net. Twice in the past week--the only times I watched--the horses were being loaded into the starting gate after the big buildup from Fox commentators, and then came the apology: “It’s the top of the hour and we’re going off the air before the race starts.”

Someone at Fox probably thinks they are producing “Who Shot J.R.?”

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DODGER OUTFIELDER Brian Jordan goofed Friday night, didn’t run out a pop fly, and had to answer to the media. He did so with sincere regret, humor and class, so I asked Manager Jim Tracy if Jordan’s locker could be placed adjacent to Kevin Brown so maybe he could learn something.

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ANY TIME Tracy talks a lot without taking a breath or making much sense, it’s because someone has asked a question that he can’t/won’t answer honestly. That’s why he was going on and on about the fact Andy Ashby’s inability to bunt had not hurt the team the other night. Forget for a moment, as he hopes you do, the team’s pitchers can’t bunt and it’s disgraceful.

With runners on first and third and no one out Saturday, about an hour after Tracy’s filibuster, pitcher Kazuhisa Ishii bunted into a double play.

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THE DODGERS’ offense might be anemic, but the team presently has 11 players hitting better than Gary Sheffield (.207).

WHATEVER THEY are paying Maury Wills to work with Dodger leadoff hitter Dave Roberts, they should double it based on recent results.

I HOPE 76er fans are still interested enough in basketball to watch the NBA Finals on TV. Before they begin, this would be an excellent time to get out of Philadelphia, and take that vacation in Nebraska.

THE REDSKINS, the team that had fans paying to watch training camp practices, are now going to have rotating advertising signs behind Coach Steve Spurrier every time he has a news conference. One of the sponsors is Budweiser, which will make a great photo opportunity when Spurrier has to talk about one of his players being arrested for drunken driving. It’s the NFL, it will happen.

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IF YOU listened to Joe McDonnell, Doug Krikorian and Bob Golic on sports talk radio talking about the return of the NFL to L.A., I hope you understand they have no idea what they’re talking about. Of course, that doesn’t make them much different than Tim Leiweke, the point man for the Anschutz Empire.

The Chargers have been targeted by Leiweke, although he won’t admit it, and the other day he was talking about changing the team’s name. He had no idea they were once known as the Los Angeles Chargers.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from George:

“That was a pretty clever shot taken at you in the Saturday sports letters; he really got you good. Any chance it was written by the bagger?”

As far as I know, we don’t accept letters written in finger paints.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com