He Can Give 99 Reasons for Not Liking Gretzky

I am sitting at a hockey game while the Angels are in Minnesota for a huge baseball game because the sports editor says I cover hockey like no one else.

The Angels have advanced in the playoffs for the first time in their 42-year history, and I am sitting at a hockey game to honor Wayne Gretzky, and I despise Wayne Gretzky.

I have already paid $2 more for parking because Staples Center is in the business of being greedy, which must really rankle Gretzky because the guy who built Staples got rid of Gretzky for being too greedy.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Staples officials charged Gretzky to park on his own night at the arena, and I’ve got no problem with that.

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NOW EVERYONE is pretty much in agreement the sport of hockey in the U.S. expanded because Gretzky came to L.A., and they’re honoring him for that?

We’ve got Wayne Gretzky to thank for giving us the Mighty Ducks?

Do you think some day the members at Augusta National are going to put Martha Burk’s picture on the wall of the men’s grill to thank her for expanding their membership?

I curse the day Gretzky cleared customs and came here to save hockey. No one wants hockey here except for the people who believe you need to wear a hideous sweater in L.A. Even the people who go to the games aren’t happy; they were booing the hockey commissioner when he took the ice. Gary Bettman told the crowd that Gretzky proved a nontraditional, warm-weather city such as L.A. could support hockey, and I know that’s why I was booing.

L.A. never had a chance once Gretzky arrived. That’s what makes the skinny twig so infuriating. He not only takes one of our more attractive actresses off the free market (and brainwashes her into cheering for Canada to beat our guys in the Olympics), but because he’s so dominant in a sport that seems incapable of being dominated, he’s compelling to watch. (So is she, so cheering for Canada, I guess, isn’t that bad.)

“When I came to L.A.,” Gretzky said this week, “the team had finished second to last in the NHL that year and was drawing 6,000 people a game.”

If Gretzky doesn’t show up in L.A., hockey probably shrivels up and disappears like the XFL. And I’m in Minnesota writing about baseball, or better yet--in Denver covering a Galaxy playoff game.

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I’M HAPPY, of course, they retired Gretzky’s sweater, ruling out his return. But I wonder about an organization that has retired four jerseys while making it to the Stanley Cup finals once, while the Lakers have nine trophies, and have retired the jerseys of only seven players.

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THE PHOENIX something-or-others played the Kings, and some guy was singing “O Canada,” and I think you’ve got to blame Gretzky for that too.

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EACH PLAYER wore Gretzky’s No. 99 sweater on the ice briefly, added his own autograph to Gretzky’s, and then the sweaters were available for the hideous-sweater crowd in a silent auction. Each sweater had a starting bid, so it was easy to tell who the Kings really value with Felix Potvin, Jason Allison, Ziggy Palffy and Adam Deadmarsh going for at least $3,000 each. Bryan Smolinski has fallen so far, though, he was going for $1,000 with Alexander Frolov, who was playing his first game for the Kings, going for $1,250.

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NOW HERE’S a shock. It was 0-0 after the first period of NHL action this season in Staples Center. The Queen of England dropped a ceremonial puck to start a game Sunday and left after the first period. I can’t imagine the queen doing anything improper, so I followed her example.

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I DIDN’T receive an invitation, but I heard a tape recording of Tim LIE-weke, pardon, Leiweke speaking at a soccer media function Wednesday at the Beverly Hilton, and in addition to distorting the truth, the guy knows how to get a laugh.

Leiweke, who works as billionaire Philip Anschutz’s mouthpiece at Staples, said for 23 years the media have been telling him soccer will never make it in the U.S.

“It’s going to make it,” he said. “The sportswriters and columnists out there that refuse to acknowledge it are going to have to wake up one day and learn it or they’re not going to have anybody read their column anymore.”

LIE-weke, pardon, Leiweke then told the crowd that “my favorite columnist [is] T.J. Simers,” and witnesses said his nose grew. He then told everyone that I would never accept the Anschutz empire’s ability to own an NFL team “until Phil could sit down and explain why he invested in soccer.”

I never said any such thing, of course, because if I were given a chance to sit down with Phil, I’d be interested in knowing only why Qwest’s stock has plummeted under his leadership. I already know why he invested in soccer; he told me five or six years ago when we last talked. He said his kids played soccer, and he saw a bright future for the sport, and I should have known then what was in store for Qwest.

“Here’s news for T.J.,” Leiweke told the crowd. “In about 20 years, I predict that professional soccer will be the second most popular professional sport in this country.” Remember, whatever Phil thinks, Leiweke

says.

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I RECEIVED e-mail from “N.G. of the Glendale YMCA Quarterback Club,” who wanted to know: “Are you sure George Costanza isn’t from UCLA? The photo that was above your column showed him practicing his placekicking from a handicapped parking zone.”

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Ben:

“Teaching at USC? Could Jason Alexander sink any lower?”

Didn’t see him at the Kings’ game.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.