That’s Mr. Rally Monkey to You

I read the paragraph in Tuesday’s San Francisco Examiner, and my blood began boiling. I flung my coffee cup halfway across the room, inadvertently splattering several colleagues. The nerve of this John Crowley guy:

“It’s not official,” Mr. Crowley writes, “but the rally monkey is reportedly headed the way of the spotted owl -- sharing a branch on the endangered species list. I’m sure the stuffed primates are a heartwarming concept in Orange County, a place more homogenized than a glass of milk, but thankfully it’s an idea whose time never will come in cosmopolitan San Francisco.”

Oh, where to start?

Is there any real point in responding to someone who doesn’t understand the power of the Rally Monkey?

Or who would disrespect the Monkey by dismissively referring to it as a “stuffed primate”?

Why not just call Goofy a “flop-eared canine”?

And let’s not even dwell on the fact that Mr. Crowley doesn’t know that “Rally Monkey” is always spelled with capital letters.

Then there’s his Orange County reference -- “a place more homogenized than a glass of milk....”

Homogenized, indeed. Has this guy, apparently some kind of sports editor at the Examiner, studied the 2000 U.S. Census figures, which show that Orange County’s populace is 51% white, 28% Latino and 14% Asian?

And that fully 4% of our residents claim to be of “two or more races”? That’s right -- 4%. How’s that for diversity, pal?

The paragraph ended with a real laugher. Mr. Crowley implies that we Orange County rubes are a cut below the sophisticates in “cosmopolitan San Francisco.”

One wonders if he has ever been to the Fun Zone on Balboa Peninsula on a Saturday night. Methinks not.

But now that Mr. Crowley’s hometown Giants and our Anaheim Angels are matched in the World Series, he has cast the first stone.

In the time-honored newspaper tradition, he has thrown down the gauntlet.

For feud purposes, I will ignore the fact that nothing else in Mr. Crowley’s column made any reference to Orange County or Southern California.

If it’s a war of words John Crowley wants....

I give up.

I can’t think of anything awful to say about San Francisco. At least, nothing I’d really mean. Fact is, I love that town.

The closest I can come to defending the faith is to lift a line from Jack Smith, the late Los Angeles Times columnist who for years waged a North-South battle with his counterpart Herb Caen of the San Francisco Chronicle.

Of the San Francisco weather, Smith wrote in 1989: “It is so cold and clammy that they don’t actually get out on the beach, they sit in their cars with the heaters on, and look at the ocean.”

On another visit, Smith spotted some attractive young women. “These were San Francisco young. These were creatures of the city that they imagined was the most sophisticated in the world. No harm in thinking so.”

In later columns, Smith noted that in reality he loved San Francisco and that Caen -- despite what he often wrote in his columns -- had told Smith more than once that he liked Los Angeles.

Besides, who could ever stay mad at the legendary Caen, who dubbed the Golden Gate Bridge the “Car-Strangled Spanner”?

So as for any Anaheim vs. San Francisco feud, count me out. I tried to contact Mr. Crowley to get his take on modern-day feuds but didn’t hear back from him.

But I’ll make this prediction: By the end of the World Series, Mr. Crowley will be dancing to the Rally Monkey’s tune.

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966- 7821 or by writing to him at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com.