Even on His Birthday, He Doesn’t Have a Ball

I presume as soon as the Dodgers got word of my birthday Monday they immediately put 19 runs on the Diamondbacks to celebrate the fact I am one year closer to retirement.

But you can imagine the pressure the young Trojans must have felt before the game in the locker room when Coach Pete Carroll said, “Boys, we’re going to win this one for T.J.”

Now I can’t say for sure those were Carroll’s exact words, but I can’t imagine what else he would have said to inspire the Trojans to slip past Auburn, 24-17, Monday in the Coliseum.

The game had been originally scheduled for Aug. 31, and while I understand it was Buddy’s 76th birthday and a special occasion, I have a feeling “Win one for Hackett” wasn’t going to work with these guys. So they moved it to my birthday.

As for those players who think they’ve won a trip to Tijuana, I guess they still owe me a gift.

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A GAME ball might be nice. I’ve got two, you know.

The Chargers gave me one and had it professionally painted to look just like the ones they award to their players on those rare occasions when they win a game. Apparently they thought I did something really wonderful too, and all I was doing was leaving town to move to L.A.

I also received a game ball from the Raiders, who spelled my name “Simmers.” That was better than “Sinners,” because then I would have felt we had something in common.

As a USC convert, I’m still learning about Trojan tradition and I would certainly hope they do this for all their fans, but I appreciate the fly over by four military jets and the fireworks after the game to mark this day. I think the fact no one mentioned my birthday before the fly over or the fireworks made it a much bigger surprise, and I would imagine it was pretty hard for some of these USC people to avoid talking to me all day. They sure know how to keep a secret though.

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THE ESPN/USA Today poll released earlier Monday had the Trojans moving from No. 19 to No. 16 in the top 25 without having played. I thought about slipping a note to Carroll before the game to tell him the team’s best chance of making it to the bowl championship series title game was not playing this year, but I was afraid he might interpret that as a wise crack rather than trying to help.

I felt better when Auburn took the field, because the Tigers weren’t very good. The best thing they had going for them was a running back nicknamed, “Cadillac,” who kept breaking down with cramps. That’s something you’d expect from a running back nicknamed “Escort.”

That reminds me, and I know I digress, but every few minutes when you go to a USC or UCLA game these days, you’re going to be reminded that both institutions are contesting something called the Lexus Challenge.

I don’t have any idea what the bogus competition is all about, but the folks at Lexus had to be pretty ticked when DeShaun Foster got into all that publicity last year for driving around in a Ford.

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OK, BACK to the game, and if being a true-cardinal and gold fan means living and dying with every Carson Palmer pass, I worry now about how many more birthdays I’m going to have. I know he’s hellbent on completing every pass he throws, and I guess he’s pretty good at that when you include the 41 passes he has thrown to the opposition over the years.

Palmer finished with 302 yards and a victory by falling forward on his face, but if I have this right, so far he’s thrown 40 touchdown passes in his USC career and 41 interceptions. I’m pulling for him to complete his education here with more touchdown passes than mistakes, but I wonder if this is why Tommy Trojan is facing away from the Coliseum from his post on campus--unable to watch any more when Palmer goes back to pass.

In addition to rooting for Palmer, I’ll also be happy if the USC brain trust learns to count to 12, but that might be a Pacific 10 thing and have something to do with the conference’s academic standards. The Trojans’ failure to count to 12 gave Auburn the ball back after a punt because of a penalty for having too many players in the field, and the same kind of math problem led to Washington losing at Michigan.

The Trojans are 1-0, and they have those numbers in the right order. And I couldn’t be happier--until I get my game ball.

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THE TROJANS open next season at Auburn on Aug. 30, and for those fans who can’t wait to make the trip, the name “Auburn,” comes from the Oliver Goldsmith poem: “The Deserted Village.” Don’t fret, I’m sure there’s a Motel 6 nearby.

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WHEN THE Trojans took the field for pre-game warmups, instead of being greeted by cheering fans they heard a loud advertisement for the House of Blues on the Mitsubishi screen atop the Carl’s Jr. scoreboard at the Miller Lite, Panasonic, Verizon and Los Angeles Times’ end of the stadium.

That was immediately followed by an ad for Bank of the West, Lexus and then finally Sipowicz telling everyone over his Nextel telephone he doesn’t do commercials, which was a relief for everyone who had come to watch a football game.

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AFTER COLORADO State upset Colorado, quarterback Bradlee Van Pelt called the Buffaloes “the worst No. 6 team we have ever played.”

Wonder what he will call the Bruins after Saturday’s game in the Rose Bowl.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from James Heffon:

“We’ve heard from Hootie and from the woman who wants to take the Masters off TV if the club doesn’t admit a woman, but we haven’t heard what your opinion is yet?”

I’m waiting for the wife’s permission to give it.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com