Of Course, Women Are Welcome to Subscribe

Jerry Greene in the Orlando Sentinel:

“Hey, Hootie: Three words, pay per view.

” ... The natural answer to your problems at Augusta National is to take the Masters tournament off ‘free TV’ after next year and start producing it yourself on pay per view.

“From your perspective, it’s the natural solution. You are a private club with select membership, so why not have a tournament only seen on TV by a private audience willing to pay for the privilege?

“Maybe you could even sell viewing rights to women, although I’m not sure how that works.”

Trivia time: Two players from the same Ivy League school were winners of the Heisman Trophy in the mid-1930s. Who were they?

Floor-man: Some random thoughts by Dave Kindred in the Sporting News:

* “The World Basketball Championship has proved two things. Our guys don’t care. And Vlade Divac can flop in two languages.

* Bob Knight hammered a man’s chest in anger. To settle a resulting lawsuit, Knight paid $25,000. If this becomes a trend, football coaches will go broke.

* “ ‘The Old Farmer’s Almanac’ reports that several years ago U.S. Senators William B. Spong Jr. and Hiram Fong could have sponsored a bill recommending the ringing of church bells to hail the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team.

“It would have been the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Pingpong Ding-Dong Bill.”

Thuggery survives: President Bush and Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien met Monday and agreed on the need to fight terrorism around the world.

“But the Canadian leader stopped short on one key area,” says Richard Burkhard of LaughLine.com, “banning thugs from the National Hockey League.”

Lock for the Rocks: “The Lions lost the opening game of the season by 28 points,” says Jay Leno. “I don’t want to say things look bad for the team, but the Rolling Stones are playing Detroit next week, and they’re a two-touchdown favorite.”

Car crazy: NASCAR owner Felix Sabates gave a vivid explanation for why he no longer employs driver Robby Gordon: “He has a tremendous amount of talent, but when he pulls the helmet over his head, he knocks some sort of switch that makes him an idiot.”

Looking back: On this day in 1970, USC opened the football season by routing Alabama, 42-21, at Birmingham.

It wasn’t an omen for the rest of the season for the Trojans, who had a 6-4-1 record.

Looking back again: On this day in 1981, UCLA opened the season with a 35-18 victory over Arizona at Tucson.

The Bruins had a 7-4-1 record that season.

Trivia answer: End Larry Kelley of Yale and halfback Clint Frank of Yale in 1936 and 1937.

And finally: Richard Bortkevich, 26, son of Olympic gymnastics legend Olga Korbut, pleaded guilty in Lawrenceville, Ga., to counterfeiting charges. Police had discovered $20,000 of his phony $100 bills.

Says Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Possible punishments include, fittingly enough, a lot of parallel bars.”