It’s Too Bad the Bruins Don’t Thirst for Success

I figure the next thing we’re going to learn is that the water bottles on the UCLA sideline have been filled with vodka all season long.

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YOU TAKE into account the handicap parking scandal, a former actor ending the Heisman Trophy campaign of DeShaun Foster with an SUV loaner, a starting quarterback spending time in jail, numerous punches thrown resulting in charges being filed and it’s enough to make a coach drink.

Unfortunately, Coach Bob Toledo would probably run into most of his players.

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THERE’S NOTHING like a game in Dodger Stadium with everything on the line in late September other than maybe a Cardinal-Bengal football game deep in December. Former L.A. manager Tom Lasorda has had more birthdays (75) than the Dodgers had fans in the stands when Tuesday night’s must-game got underway, and the inspired Dodgers went on to fold, 1-0.

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THE ANGELS, now most likely a wild-card team, sold all available division series tickets in a matter of hours Saturday. The Dodgers, 35,180 fans shy of hitting the 3-million mark this season, still have 15,000-20,000 playoff tickets available for games that will probably never be played.

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I ASKED Dodger pitching coach Jim Colborn why Giovanni Carrara was starting against the Rockies tonight instead of Kevin Beirne.

“He won the coin flip, if I remember right,” Colborn said, and imagine how good the Dodgers might have been had Colborn used a two-headed coin every time Andy Ashby’s name came up to pitch.

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THE MIGHTY Ducks’ newspaper campaign is topped by this headline: “A New Decade Begins!” I give the Ducks credit for finally admitting they’re two years behind everyone else.

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THE FOUR Heisman trophies won by USC athletes are there, along with displays honoring Trojan Olympians, Hall of Fame inductees and other great performers in school history, but they all surround the centerpiece in the Heritage Hall lobby--a tribute to Lexus’ creativity in selling more cars.

The Lexus Gauntlet Trophy, a big gaudy hunk of metal that goes to the winner of yearly competition between USC and UCLA, dominates the room. For recruits, of course, this tells them there is nothing more important at USC than beating UCLA, and I guess when you can’t beat Kansas State two years running, you go for a dream that might be attainable.

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EVERY TUESDAY the media gather to listen to USC Coach Pete Carroll speak and then grab a few minutes with the players. I know it was presumptuous on my part to expect wide receiver Kareem Kelly to drop everything and stop by, but I’ve seen him play.

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RODNEY PEETE’S success at age 36 suggests some USC quarterbacks take a little more time to develop, if you know what I mean.

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THERE’S NO question Paul Sunderland knows his basketball and has done his homework as a broadcaster, but here’s hoping he lightens up and makes it sound as if he’s having some fun.

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A NEW trial probably means renewed interest in the Raiders here, and while the team tries to prove its $1.2-billion conspiracy case against the NFL, I have my own conspiracy questions as they relate to Channel 2 broadcaster Jim Hill.

Hill, of course, is already the top sports broadcaster in L.A., and although I thought nothing of it when he told me a week ago Channel 2 would be airing 10 Raider games this season as a lead-in to his Sports Central show, it’s kind of odd that out of nowhere the Raiders get a new trial and Hill gets a bigger audience.

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THE DENVER Post reported Tuesday that Clipper center Michael Olowokandi had dinner with Nugget General Manager Kiki Vandeweghe in Denver on Sunday night. On Monday Olowokandi signed a $6.1-million contract to stay in L.A. Apparently Vandeweghe elected only to get stuck with the bill.

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SAM BOGHOSIAN, a former UCLA offensive lineman and Raider assistant coach, captained the winning team in this week’s NFL alumni golf tournament to benefit the Boy Scouts. Boghosian had four good golfers playing with him, which left our fivesome at a considerable disadvantage because Tim Brown (Laker reporter), Randy Youngman (Orange County Register Page 2 columnist), Tom Johnson (newspaper publisher) and Jim Tunney (former NFL referee) are all terrible golfers.

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ST. LOUIS Post-Dispatch sports columnist Bernie Miklasz wrote after the Rams’ latest loss, “If (Kurt) Warner’s stunning decline continues, he’ll soon be compared to Jim Everett.” If it was Miklasz’s intention to hit Warner hard, it’s a phantom sack without any mention of Chris Evert.

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THE DODGERS gave fans a team photo with the following instructions: “Fold short panel up to meet the 2nd [prefolded] panel. Now fold the last panel up to meet the 2nd panel. Now turn the photo upside down and fold on the 2 black dotted lines. Now pop out the base and insert the ‘LA’ tabs into the slits in the 3rd panel.”

It really is much easier to be an Angel fan these days.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Gloria Bando:

“Just because Rex Hudler is an upbeat broadcaster is no reason to compare him to Richard Simmons. You’re just a crotchety old cynic. Why don’t you leave L.A. and make a lot of people very happy.”

Just what we need--more happy people in this world like Rex Hudler.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com