Lyin’, tigers and squares -- oh my

The recall campaign keeps getting weirder. Here’s our unofficial timeline:

July 22: Recall petitions signed by the 1.4 million Californians that Gray Davis didn’t pander to in exchange for campaign contributions are submitted to the secretary of state’s office. Davis attacks the drive as “a blatant attempt to hijack state government from the Indian casinos, state employee unions and other special interests who bought Sacramento fair and square.”

July 23: On the campaign trail, Davis vows to “fight the recall like a Bengal tiger.” When informed that Bengal tigers are on the verge of extinction, Davis pledges to “fight like Tony the Tiger.”

July 24: On the Republican side, car alarm magnate Darrell Issa becomes the first official candidate, warning that if he loses, he will activate a “doomsday program” that sets off every car alarm in the state.

July 30: The number of people running for governor soars into the thousands. If the trend continues, the $3,500 candidate filing fees will be enough to pay off the state budget deficit.

Aug. 1: In an effort to counter the star power of potential rival Arnold Schwarzenegger, Davis explores the idea of becoming a movie action hero. Campaign aides descend on Hollywood with scripts for “The Governator” and “The League of Extraordinary Democrats.”

Aug. 6: Schwarzenegger terminates his candidacy during an appearance on NBC’s “Tonight Show,” dashing the hopes of journalists who planned to make endless references to “Conan the Republican,” “Kindergarten Guv,” “Total Recall” and “End of Grays.”

Aug. 7: Davis resumes his tiger theme, this time promising to “fight like one of those cool white tigers owned by Siegfried and Roy. Or maybe like Tiger Woods, whichever sounds meaner.”

Aug. 8: Fretting over the loss of Schwarzenegger, Republican strategists desperately search for another celebrity candidate. Overtures are made to Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis and Scooby-Doo. Finally, as the Aug. 9 filing deadline approaches, Republicans are forced to settle on Ozzy Osbourne.

Aug. 8: Liberal pundit Arianna Huffington and her gay Republican ex-husband, Michael Huffington, decide not to enter the race after VH1 asks them to remarry and fill the vacancy left by Liza Minnelli and hubby David Gest.

Aug. 9: Davis supporters -- all 27 of them -- press on with various lawsuits to block the recall. In Los Angeles, a federal judge agrees that the recall statute is antiquated and unenforceable. Instead, he orders the candidates to compete for Davis’ job on a special edition of “Survivor.”

Aug. 9: Emboldened by the gubernatorial candidacy of Los Angeles Times columnist Steve Lopez, 22 other newspaper columnists throw their hats in the ring, including Sheinwold on Bridge, Hints From Heloise and the late Ann Landers.

Aug. 30: For Labor Day, Universal Pictures releases “The Governator,” starring a buffed-up Gray Davis as a cyborg sent from the future to kill himself so Democrats don’t lose control of Sacramento. In keeping with Davis’ traditional campaign tactics, Universal decides not to promote the movie itself. Instead, it sponsors a series of attack ads against every other movie playing in theaters. The strategy pays off and “Governator” reaches No. 1 at the box office.

Oct. 7: Election day turnout is higher than expected, possibly because one out of every four Californians is on the ballot. The winner, by a landslide, is a previously unknown Fresno housewife whose sole campaign promise was to publicly execute the people responsible for putting those annoying little stickers on every piece of fruit in supermarkets.