A Look Inside Davis’ [Innermost Thoughts] Election Strategy

Memo to Staff:

From Governor:

Here’s a draft of the opening of my next speech:

“This recall was financed by a right-wing cabal, and it’s an insult to millions of people who voted for me because of the [sensational impressive] respectable job I did in my first term under [impossible] difficult circumstances.

“[Any idiot] Responsible Californians understand that leadership isn’t something you learn in the make-believe world of [dopey] action movies, or by having a Nazi dad, or by being forced to respond to a Premiere magazine article accusing you of [groping bird-dogging skirt-chasing] misdeeds in your personal life.”

Memo to Governor:

From Staff:

Excellent, sir. But with all due respect, many voters hold you in contempt for the negative attacks of the past. We think you’re going to have to run on your record this time.

Memo to Staff:

My record?

Memo to Governor:

Critics say you’re always running as the lesser of two evils. You’ll need to promote your strengths.

Memo to Staff:

I don’t think any of you yo-yos know what you’re talking about. It’s not my fault the tech bubble burst, the economy crashed, and those crooks in the energy industry conspired to sabotage my career.

I’ve devoted my whole life to public service, and now I’ve got to defend myself against an Austrian bodybuilder?

Memo to Governor:

We understand the anger, sir. But let’s stop talking about Arnold and start talking about you.

Memo to Staff:

OK, how about this:

“As this great state enters an unprecedented two-month campaign cycle, I’d like to point out that I don’t have millions of dollars sitting around, like some of these [dreamers jokers wannabes] candidates. But like I’ve said before, I’ve got experience money can’t buy.”

Memo to Governor:

Not to bring up a sore subject, sir, but you do have millions of dollars sitting around. Please don’t give that idiot Steve Lopez another chance to accuse you of an obsessive-compulsive fund-raising disorder. Remember, go positive. Tell voters why they should feel good about having Gray Davis in charge.

Memo to Staff:

Isn’t that what I’m paying you clowns for?

Memo to Governor:

Tell them about greenhouse emissions or family leave. It’s not like the folder on legislative victories is entirely empty, sir. Just tell the Gray Davis Story in your own words. But don’t hype it or you’ll only make matters worse.

Memo to Staff:

OK, see what you think of this:

“You know, I was just [wondering] thinking the other day about why I got into this [smarmy insane corrupt] wonderful line of work. I got into politics because I [heard a voice thought I could be President knew that I was a natural] have always had a great deal of [courage conviction] concern about public affairs, and wanted to be the one to make the tough decisions.”

Memo to Governor:

We advise against any mention of tough decisions.

Memo to Staff:

“By the way, I was just at a [fund-raiser beach party ballgame] gathering telling [intimate friends respected colleagues a stranger and a dog...”]

Scratch that.

“By the way, I was just telling my [capable reliable] incredible wife, Sharon, the reason I got involved in politics was because I knew in my [soul heart] bones I had the [personality] desire to be a [lightning rod] voice for reform.

“The day I took the reins of power in this great state, I knew I was [born elected determined] expected to put together a [squadron battalion team] search for anyone who would work with me to put an end to [partisan bickering bloated spending special-interest legislation,] uncommonly low vehicle taxes.

“As governor, I have met with anyone and everyone who had [a dollar a dime a doughnut] anything to contribute to my [reelection] knowledge of the issues. If it says nothing on my gravestone except that Gray Davis inspired [young people old people middle-aged people monkeys lobbyists] anyone at all to get involved in civic affairs, I’ll have died a happy man.”

Memo to Governor:

Sir, maybe if you just focused on one of your irrefutable triumphs in office -- something you’re really proud of.

Memo to Staff:

You mean the way we blew Dick Riordan out of the Republican primary?

Memo to Governor:

No. We’re talking about what you stand for, who you are, that sort of thing.

Memo to Staff:

“Nothing makes me prouder than to be able to say that when it comes to [health care transportation environment] a wide range of issues, I have always [taken great risks done everything in my power] tried to get the best deal for all Californians, particularly [prison guards] children.

“Education, in fact, has been a pet concern of mine since I realized how much [money] passion teachers unions have. Under my stewardship, we have [revolutionized transformed] paid enormous attention to public schools, and I can point with pride to [miraculous unbelievable] noticeable improvements in testing.”

Memo to Governor:

You may have been right all along, sir. Go ahead and bang away at Arnold.

Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at steve.lopez@latimes.com.

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The text in brackets was originally published as strike-through text.

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