Vive la Revolution! Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, Absurdity

From time to time over the next seven weeks of the recall campaign, you’re liable to feel as though you’re on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and can’t get off. If you begin to feel dizzy, just look to this space for reassurance that all is well in the universe ... and I promise to never give you any.

At one time or another in the last few weeks, learned people have made one or more of the following claims:

A: This recall is a trend-setting breakthrough.

B: The corroded American body politic is being brought to its knees by astute Californians who aren’t going to take it anymore.

C: Fresh new voices of the revolution will rise up and be heard.

But for all these claims, the recall is beginning to bear a striking resemblance to many other campaigns.

True enough, we’ve never had so many candidates that we couldn’t count them. But strike the flakes and publicity hounds and dozens of yutzes who just wanted to see their names on a ballot, and what have you got?

A handful of unremarkable candidates who represent familiar themes and mainstream institutions.

For example, Gov. Gray Davis’ understudy on the ballot is Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante, a career politician who’s an understudy for a reason.

Then you’ve got the retread Bill Simon and state Sen. Tom McClintock battling it out for the ever-determined white-shoe wing of the GOP, with moderate Republican Peter Ueberroth wondering whether anyone will notice he’s in the race.

All these folks are slugging it out in a campaign whose outcome is likely to be determined by -- are you ready for this?

Money. Personality. And cheesy TV ads that simplify and distort, alienating many would-be voters and causing irreversible brain damage in others.

This is a revolution?

I’ve got a better suggestion. If you want changes, why not find out who your legislative or congressional representatives are for the first time in your life, and then keep an eye on them?

Why not open your ears the next time a presidential candidate like Sen. John McCain tells you there’s no way it’ll ever get any better until we get the obscene sums of money out of politics?

But in the meantime, let’s get back to the recall, because there is in fact one candidate who stands out as a little different.

He has no practical experience, he hasn’t voted in six of the last eight state elections, he refuses to say what he stands for, and he calls himself an outsider while hiring teams of Sacramento insiders.

Polls have him as the runaway leader.

I’m speaking, naturally, of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yes, an Arnold victory would bust down the walls of a crumbling American institution. No longer would the halls of political power be limited to rich lawyers and the silver-spooned sons of the politically well-heeled. At long last, the doors would be open to ridiculously wealthy international movie stars.

Arnold’s strategy so far has been to assemble a parade float and make daily announcements about new riders. Warren Buffett is on board and tossing money to the crowd, George Schulz and Rob Lowe just hitched a ride, and Cap Weinberger is waiting for the boys to pick him up at John Wayne’s gravesite.

Can you imagine how ticked off Simon and McClintock must be? They’re out there in the blazing sun, hitting the trail, while Arnold does Larry King and signs on a new super-fan every day without breaking a sweat.

The field of viable candidates and so-called fresh, alternative voices became even smaller when Arianna Huffington, running as an independent, all but set fire to herself.

After vowing to go after the fat cats and the pigs at the trough, she was forced to explain why she’s living in a Brentwood manse and hasn’t paid a nickel in state income taxes the last two years.

But don’t count out Arianna, who worked her Republican ex-husband’s Senate campaign before he realized he was gay and she realized she was a progressive.

I really got spun around when Arianna teamed up with Peter Camejo, the Green Party candidate who once ran for president as a Socialist. But I predict Arianna will be reincarnated next week as a tax-fighting Libertarian, provided she can get hold of the caterers and CNN agrees to cover the announcement.

And speaking of announcements, be sure to keep a close watch on this space in coming weeks. At the risk of attracting another 250 nut cakes, let me just remind you that there’s still time for write-in candidates to jump in.

It’d be a shame to let all my “S. Lo for Governor” bumper stickers go to waste.

Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at steve.lopez@latimes. com.