What Better Place for Politicians to Display Their Naked Ambition?

Astrip club in Long Beach has a billboard that says, “Candidates for Governor -- Free Admission.” The club’s name would seem to apply to nearly all the candidates’ chances: Fantasy Ranch.

Such a Deal Dept.: Today’s dubious bargains (see accompanying) include:

* One pet with a lot of mouths to feed (submitted by H. Weiner of Temple City).

* A couch that doesn’t appear to be in the greatest shape (Ellie Rosen).

* A big-screen TV that seems suspiciously cheap (Norman Pickell of Torrance).

* And, finally, an addendum to the moth-to-moth e-mail item that appeared Friday. Kathryn Blackmun, Victor Lindenheim and Dan Fink noticed that the real estate agent’s listing offer has a free, annoying feature.

Where there’s smoke there’s a deputy D.A.: “We have had several false alarms due to smoke caused by overcooked items in the microwave,” an in-house memo from the Riverside County district attorney said. It asked that microwave-users “please stay with the item until it’s done and make sure the microwave is turned off.”

Columnist Dan Bernstein of the Press Enterprise said a source (whom he identified only as Deep Butter) had told him that the latest incident involved a young popcorn-microwaving deputy district attorney who “abandoned an oven, which burned the popcorn, resulting in alarm-triggering smoke signals.” Firefighters showed up, as they have in the past for false alarms at the D.A.’s office.

It’s important that the problem be eliminated. Might be embarrassing for the district attorney to be hit with a chronic-alarm fine.

Put this in your pipe: My reference to the Nose-Holding Man of Upland brought back memories for Vince Stickel of Bloomington, a former telephone repairman who used to see Nose-Holding in action.

And what a sight it was. An anti-pollution zealot who reviled motor vehicles, Nose-Holding would grasp his beak, wave his cane and shout at downtown drivers each morning.

“One day, I met him as he was sitting on the bench in front of a store,” Stickel said. “He was puffing on a pipe. And let me tell you, that pipe made diesel exhaust smell good.” It gave off an aroma of “rubber bands, pine needles, soft coal and dried ‘cow chips.’ He was his own pollution.”

Oddly enough, Nose-Holding didn’t hold his nose when he smoked.

miscelLAny: The police log of Laguna Beach’s Coastline Pilot carried this item: “Victoria Beach: A wedding coordinator demanded at 5:56 p.m. that lifeguards remove everyone from the beach because it had been rented for the entire day. Lifeguards successfully explained the party was entitled to a stretch of the beach, not the whole thing.”

There are limits to the “something borrowed” tradition.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.