Sharks? He’ll Stick to Channel Surfing

I’m not what you’d call a manly man, unless the term is expanded to include someone who enjoys lying down while watching lots of television. Of the many manly things I don’t do, surfing is right up there with cliff diving. Surf’s up? Fine, call me when it subsides.

Afraid of the ocean? Darn tootin’.

It’s not something I’m proud of -- but as Dirty Harry once said, a man’s got to know his limitations. One of mine is an inability to stay above water for more than 30 seconds at a time without panicking. So while I appreciate the art of surfing and enjoy watching surfers from the safety of a pier, let’s just say I won’t be paddling out any time soon.

Not until this week, however, did I realize how vast the gap is between me and surfers. Oh, I knew they were a hardy lot and territorial as bears (I once saw a surfer attack and devour whole a windsurfer who had ventured onto his turf), but I hadn’t previously detected the level of madness that splashed from the mouths of some of them and onto the pages of the newspaper.

But there it was. They said it. They actually said they wouldn’t stop surfing down in South County just because sharks had been spotted in the water.

“The odds of being attacked are probably like going down in an airplane crash,” one 52-year-old surfer told a Times reporter. “Besides, surfing is part of my life and my soul. If you can’t surf, why live?”

I surf, therefore I am.

I have that kind of passion about watching TV, yet if I had to watch it amid a cluster of garden spiders, I’d be outta there.

Surfers must be cut from a different cloth. For several days recently, surfers at San Onofre State Beach have ventured out into the waves even after confirmed reports of shark sightings. One was identified as an adult great white.

Uh, guys, sharks attack people. They have sharp teeth.

Who knew our bronzed surfers, with their reputations for laid-back ‘tudes and a penchant for skipping work, had nerves -- or is it brains -- of steel?

“I’ve been coming here since I was 17 and have never had an incident,” 63-year-old Bob Eames of Orange told The Times. Don’t you just want to put the guy over your knee and give him a good spanking? Our story said Eames was one of two surfers in the water at the same time that two sharks could be seen cruising slowly through the surf zone.

I’d like to be that fearless and nonchalant, but I saw “Jaws” in 1975 and have never ventured more than 20 feet offshore since. Call me chicken, but I’d rather be chicken than chum.

That is probably the prevailing sentiment. Most people enjoy seafood; they just don’t want to be seafood. The Times quoted an environmentalist who hinted that people who swim with the sharks risk sleeping with the fishes. “Only people with no brains in their skulls would be out there right now,” one of them said.

That’s what I’d say, too, but not to their faces.

How about this: Rather than question whether our surfers have lost their marbles, why not celebrate their manliness? The rest of the country already thinks we’re a bunch of sun-baked sissies; what better way to impress our countrymen than to trumpet our surfers’ bravery?

If only Gov. Gray Davis had media-savvy advisors. They’d have him shed his suit, slide into a wet suit, wax down his surfboard, head for San Clemente and catch a wave while a camera caught a shark’s fin 20 feet away.

Do that just once, governor, and this recall foolishness would be over in a New York minute.

Picture the TV ads. A refreshed Davis, sucking in the fresh ocean air and slicking back his hair after an especially good ride, stands on the beach and, beaming, says, “Sharks? What sharks?”

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821, at dana.parsons@latimes.com or at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626.