His Christmas Cheer Looks Ho-Ho-Hopeless
So the wife wanted to know what we should get the Grocery Store Bagger for Christmas. I guess it wasn’t enough to give him one of our daughters.
Merry Christmas.
I suppose it could be worse: I’d hate to be anyone who is waiting for Dan Evans to deliver a gift.
At the very least, here’s hoping Santa put a little good cheer in Karl Dullard’s stocking this morning, although I fear we’ll probably hear at a later date that THG had something to do with Dasher and Dancer’s ability to jump to the top of the roof.
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NOW, I know a lot of people get excited about Christmas, but I work every day for a guy with a little round belly that shakes like a bowl of jelly when he tries to hit a golf ball straight. And if outside there arose such a clatter, I certainly wouldn’t tear open the shutters, knowing it was probably just Dwyre hitting another house.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to write this line: “He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself,” but I’d probably be stretching it to call him jolly.
I know for most people this is a day when you’re supposed to wish everyone well and really fake that you mean it, which is why I intend to stay indoors and take no chances of bumping into anyone from UCLA.
I suppose I could also spend some time with the neighbors, but for some reason, they keep moving away. As you know, I took a two-week vacation earlier this year, so next-door neighbors Tom and Aida put their house up for sale and moved.
The folks who bought the house from Tom and Aida went into seclusion when I made fun of their rugrat in the paper. They resurfaced recently, so I made fun of the rugrat once again. Two days ago they put a “for sale” sign up in front of their house. Hopefully, they’ll take the rugrat with them.
On the other side, the woman with the ugly dog who had been looking for a husband for some time speeded up the process, hooked some guy who likes ugly dogs and now has moved away.
Listen, better than anyone, I know now about peace and quiet on earth and how wonderful it can be. That’s why I enjoyed UCLA football games in December so much. But that reminds me. I better take down that “for sale” sign before the Bagger comes by for his gifts. Wouldn’t want him getting any ideas.
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YOU BETTER not cry, better not pout and I’m telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town before the Dodgers’ big hitter gets here. He may even be back again before the Dodgers’ big hitter shows up.
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THE WIFE just told me that Salma Hayek is going to be on Oprah in a little while. Beats the Christmas gifts she usually gives me.
“She’s the most passionate and unforgettable woman I have ever met,” Oprah said. And I used to think Edward Norton was a threat.
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THE DODGERS’ plan to improve every other team in baseball continues. As everyone knows, once the Dodgers express interest in a player, he usually goes elsewhere. The latest is Todd Walker, the free-agent second baseman who was going to be moved to first when he joined the Dodgers but instead went to the Cubs.
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THE LAKERS had the look of a team that couldn’t lose a week ago, and today they are tied with Sacramento, which has been playing without Chris Webber. The Lakers are 14-1 at home, the Kings 15-1 and I’d imagine if you’re living in Sacramento right now, you can’t wait to unwrap your new cowbell.
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THE ISLANDERS invited fans to dress as Santa Claus at Tuesday night’s game against the Flyers, and then between periods they invited more than a thousand Santas to the ice. A couple took off their costumes to reveal Ranger jerseys, which caused a furor and eventually a melee. The NHL is investigating to see if they can do something like this for every game.
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THE CHARGERS’ decision to keep Coach Marty Schottenheimer, who has directed the team to 19 losses in 24 games, is understandable. The Spanos Goofs still owe him $4.5 million, and because they already have the rubes in San Diego using tax money to guarantee every home game is a sellout, what’s the incentive to pay Schottenheimer and then go out and pay someone else to build a winner? Wait until they come to the big city and try something like that.
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YOU CAN’T say the folks at Associated Press don’t have a sense of humor. In writing about Joe Namath’s apology to ESPN’s Suzy Kolber for telling her on the air that he’d like to kiss her, AP ended the story by telling everyone: “Namath serves as a goodwill ambassador for the Jets.” He certainly takes his job to heart.
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BILLY BOB Thornton wasn’t a bad choice to play the bad Santa, but imagine the turnout in theaters if Bobby Knight had been given that part.
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THE KINGS will be going for their fourth tie in a row Friday; hockey doesn’t get much more exciting than this.
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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Karen Banse:
“Have to tell you about my bet I placed in June in Las Vegas at the Orleans Sports Book. I bet $100 for USC to end up national champions and the odds were 100-1. Can you believe it -- $10,000 lost to computer nerds? Had to cancel our car rental, airfare and hotel in New Orleans. Been a Trojan fan since 1960, and it’s wonderful to have returned to national championhood.”
Look on the bright side. Car rental, airfare and hotel in New Orleans, $4,907. Losing sports book wager on USC, $100. The chance to stay home and see the look on the faces of UCLA fans as USC returns to national championhood, priceless.
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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.