Lights, Camera, Infraction! Won’t Someone Please Collect This Award?

Unlike the Oscars, the Razzies award show rarely has any nominees in attendance, mainly because the Razzies honor the worst in filmdom. One exception was Paul Verhoeven, who showed his face to accept the Worst Director award for “Showgirls” (1995) -- not to mention the Worst Movie award.

“He’s European,” said Razzies founder John Wilson. “I think they have more of a sense of humor than Americans.”

Wilson is not expecting such nominees as Madonna (“Swept Away”), Steven Seagal (“Half Past Dead”) or Robin Williams (“Death to Smoochy”) to show up all decked out at his March 22 show in the Four Points Sheraton Hotel in Santa Monica.

Wilson, who lacks the financing of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, is just happy to have a place to hand out his tacky trophies, which are shaped like raspberries.

“Fortunately, the Sheraton was very accommodating in regard to the room fee,” Wilson said. “They get the joke.”

The Razzies can be a hard sell. Wilson recalled the time he tried to enlist Bandini as a sponsor.

“They just couldn’t understand what fertilizer had to do with the Razzies,” he said.

Baldly stated: In Anaheim, Richard Moree came upon an offer for guys who are feeling a chill on top (see photo).

Bicyclists only? Near Frazier Park, John Godley found a freeway for nonpolluting vehicles, certainly not SUVs. (see photo).

Offering a different kind of trade-in: For those who’ve given up on diets, personal trainers, etc., Marvin Popkin of Laguna Woods shared one of his favorite company names (see accompanying).

Another eye-catcher: Dan Crouse of Thousand Oaks noticed a foreign-based company whose name doesn’t read so well in the United States (see accompanying).

It’s NOT a dirty job, but someone has to do it: A colleague, who lives in Pasadena, received a flier from a company that said, “My plumbers will smell good and show up on time or you don’t pay.”

In my experience, it’s the bills that smell.

Kooky claims: I was discussing notable insults directed at local cities the other day. Well, columnist David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin found a new municipal victim. A character in TV’s “West Wing” said that “Cucamonga, Calif., actually has a higher crime rate” than New York City.

And an actor on the cop show “CSI: Miami” was asked by an interviewer if there would be a spinoff called “CSI: Rancho Cucamonga.”

Actually, Cucamonga ranks among the cities with the lowest crime rates in the nation.

Which prompted Allen to write that investigators in a “CSI: Rancho Cucamonga” show would probably have to use their forensic skills to “analyze students’ term papers for plagiarism, dust roadside debris for fingerprints to nail litterbugs and hunt down shoppers who’ve found killer bargains.”

miscelLAny: For my list of miscast actors, Randall Portillo of La Puente nominates sandy-haired Chuck Connors (also of TV’s “Rifleman”) in the title role of “Geronimo” (1962).

Too bad there was no Razzies show back then.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.