An experiment in democracy, and satire

Diary of a Mad Recall:

July 23: Too cuddly for his own good, alleged Gov. Gray Davis becomes the first governor in California history to face a recall election. “When Davis got the news,” quips Jay Leno, “he was surrounded by his loved ones -- 50 electric company executives.”

July 24: Davis slams the recall as “a right-wing coup designed to hijack state government from the Indian casinos, state employee unions and other special interests who bought Sacramento fair and square.”

Aug. 5: The number of would-be candidates climbs into the hundreds. “I went out for some fast food last night,” Leno says. “I pulled into the drive-thru and ordered a hamburger, fries and a Coke. And the woman in the speaker says for 39 cents more I can run for governor.”

Aug. 6: Arnold Schwarzenegger throws his hat (or, in this case, his Kaiser helmet) into the ring on “The Tonight Show.” He says he is well-qualified for the job: “My movie ‘Kindergarten Cop’ prepared me to deal with education issues, and my role as Mr. Freeze in ‘Batman & Robin’ gives me the insight necessary to deal with global warming.”

Aug. 7: “Last night, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he’s running for governor,” David Letterman tells viewers. “I missed the whole thing. The one night I forget to watch Leno and this happens.”

Aug. 8: After Peter Camejo files papers, Leno remarks, “A candidate from the Green Party has jumped into the governor’s race, to which President Bush said, ‘Oh, my God, the Hulk is running too?’ ”

Aug. 9: For voters tired of the Green Party, Venice artist Trek Kelly runs as the Blue candidate. He wears only blue clothing, drives a blue car and has blue Christmas lights strung around his canopy bed. But reporters question his commitment when Kelly admits he doesn’t have blue water in his toilet.

Aug. 12: After the filing deadline passes, many excellent candidates are disqualified, including Democrat Steve Young, who wanted to erase the deficit by selling Bakersfield and leasing other towns to Donald Trump.

Aug. 13: The official list of 135 candidates includes a denture-maker, a sumo wrestler, a retired meat packer, an Indian chief, a former prizefighter, a railroad switchman, an engineer who vows to raise public awareness of a building code called NFPA 5000 and an atmospheric scientist who says, “Tell me how tall your smokestack is and I’ll tell you how much of an impact you’ll have on air quality.”

Aug. 13: Although Davis can’t legally run on the second part of the ballot, a mysterious Dave Gravis announces his candidacy (see photo illustration).

Aug. 25: Cruz Bustamante refutes charges that he is a “Mini-Me” of Davis: “The voters know that we’re separate and we’re different,” he says. “For example, according to the San Francisco Chronicle, Davis has been the leading recipient of Indian casino campaign donations, whereas I’m only second. So we’re totally unalike.”

Sept. 3: The first debate is held. Initially, the five candidates present want an empty chair on stage to represent Schwarzenegger, who declined to participate. “But then they got worried,” Leno says. “What if the empty chair wins?”

Sept. 8: Letterman predicts Gary Coleman’s campaign will be “rocked by a Los Angeles Times expose that he knew ‘exactly’ what Willis was talking about.”

Sept. 9: After Peter Ueberroth quits the race, Leno says people “are shocked. They had no idea he was even running.”

Sept. 27: Unable to squeeze the name “Schwarzenegger” into a front-page headline, The Times instead opts for “Davis, Actor Go Head to Head.” One reader complains of bias, saying, “If you’re going to describe one candidate by what he really is, then you should describe both that way. How about ‘Moron, Actor Go Head to Head’?”

Sept. 28: Bustamante is still under the gun for accepting $4 million from Indian tribes. Craig Kilborn says this “may explain why his economic plan is ‘Let it all ride on 14 red.’ ”

Sept. 29: The Rock’s new movie, “The Rundown,” finishes the weekend at No. 1 at the box office. Says Leno: “That means in 10 years, he could be our next governor.”

Oct. 1: Davis continues to sink in the polls. “I’ll give you an idea of how unpopular he is,” Leno says. “Today, he called a prisoner on death row to pardon him, and the guy wouldn’t take the call.”

Oct. 2: The Times reports that six women accuse Schwarzenegger of groping them. “Six women,” Letterman exclaims. “I’m telling you, this guy is presidential material.”

Oct. 3: After unidentified sources plant charges that Schwarzenegger once praised Hitler, Leno chimes in, “The odd thing is, Hitler is now three points ahead of Gray Davis in the polls.”

Oct. 3: Davis says revelations about Schwarzenegger’s groping make him unfit to be governor. He also says allegations that Bill Clinton groped Kathleen Willey, assaulted Juanita Broaddrick and exposed himself to Paula Jones rendered Clinton unfit to be president. “Just kidding about that last part!” he adds.

Oct. 3: More women step forward to accuse Arnold of unwanted advances, including Carla Baron, a psychic radio host whose ability to foretell the future apparently didn’t include knowing what Arnold would do before it happened.

Oct. 4: Demonstrating a firm grasp of legal matters, the California Women’s Law Center asks the L.A. County district attorney to conduct a criminal probe into the groping accusations against Schwarzenegger. The D.A. informs center officials that such investigations are handled by police and that misdemeanors are prosecuted by city attorneys. Moreover, the statute of limitations has run out in every instance cited in news reports. When center officials are asked if they also urged the D.A. to investigate a 1997 New Times report that Davis allegedly hurled an ashtray at a female staffer, they said, “Of course not. He’s a Democrat.”

Oct. 4: Schwarzenegger blasts the latest round of accusations as a last-minute attack by Democrats. Which makes Leno wonder: “How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?”

Oct. 5: The number of people suddenly claiming to have been groped by Schwarzenegger officially surpasses the number of people running for governor. Schwarzenegger’s rivals are gleeful. “They’re all attacking him now,” Leno says. “Today, Cruz Bustamante said that, during the debate, he caught Arnold staring at his cleavage.”

Senior advisors: Ann Harrison, Associated Press, Kimberly Kindy, Michael T. Jarvis, Washington Post.