He Dreams of a Seat on USC Bandwagon

I’ve tried it so far for about 96 hours, and to be honest with you, it’s really not that bad being a Trojan fan. I was worried I couldn’t be insufferable for that period of time, but my family was the first to assure me that wouldn’t be a problem.

I figured I already had a head start on becoming a Trojan fan, knowing some folks refer to the place as the University of Spoiled Children, and I’ve got two of those at home to fulfill that qualification. In fact, now I know why Trojan fans are always holding up two fingers -- I guess everyone has two spoiled kids.

Unfortunately, I was converted too late to change the Notre Dame daughter’s name for her puppy. She calls the little loser, “Irish,” but I haven’t given up. I’ve begun calling it “Sample” in the hopes that eventually when I call, it will respond.

I didn’t go so far as to rent a BMW for the week, but let me tell you, when UCLA Coach Karl Dorrell discussed the DUI arrest of Marcus Cassel and was quoted in The Times Wednesday morning saying, “The same thing happens at the school across the street,” referring to USC, I began cussing him out, rushed to my computer and began firing off angry e-mails before searching for a Trojan chat room to really let him have it.

Come on, everyone knows the same thing doesn’t happen at USC. When one of our players gets in trouble, it’s for something like soliciting prostitution.

You know, I never realized how dumb some of the folks at UCLA can be until I became a Trojan fan. The Bruins wanted to keep it a secret that one of their players was drinking, driving and crashing his car, and thereby turned a one-day story into a two-day reminder that those are our tax dollars funding UCLA’s gridiron criminals.

*

THE NEXT couple of steps in becoming a full-fledged USC honk are probably going to be a little tougher. I went to bed the other night humming “Conquest,” and the wife said, “Forget it,” rolled over and went to sleep. I’m determined, however, to give it a try, and so I will be at Saturday’s game in the Coliseum.

By then I’ll have almost a week under my belt being really obnoxious, and I’ll be ready to tailgate. I just need an invite.

I checked some of the USC message boards to see where I might go, and surprisingly a number of Trojan fans had already written in with suggestions.

I noticed “WeAreSC” T-shirts will be on sale for 20 bucks before the game Saturday, and I hope to get one of them, especially if it helps me to blend in with all the other yahoos. I had a “Thundering Herd” cap that I bought earlier, and if I can get it away from Irish and tape it back together, that should help too.

I’ve even made a point of ending all my sentences with “Fight on,” and the way things have been going with the wife lately, that’s just fine with her. See if I ever take her to a Sparks game.

As you can see, it’s not easy becoming a Trojan fan overnight. What would really be nice now is if some real Cardinal & Gold USC fans invited me to tailgate with them Saturday, which would give me the chance to really be Trojanized. I’m serious. I’d like the real USC tailgate experience. I’m pretty sure I could borrow the wife’s flask and if necessary even act like Petros Papadakis.

I don’t know what the Trojans traditionally barbecue at their tailgate parties, but I’d probably want to bring along the Grocery Store Bagger as food tester, you know, just in case there are some lingering hard feelings. I know he doesn’t have a lot of money and will stand out in a USC crowd, but I could introduce him as my driver.

I just think it would be mighty big of some of the Trojan faithful if they let bygones be bygones, and we got together Saturday to salute Troy and swap goofy Mike Garrett stories. I await your tailgate invites. Fight on!

*

I HOPE the news about Angel broadcaster Rex Hudler is wrong, and we don’t have to start calling him “the Wonder Dope.”

*

THIS FROM hard-working and entertaining Dodger broadcaster Ross Porter: The Dodgers have been shut out or scored only one run in 35 games this season. The Detroit Tigers, 36-102, have been limited to one run or none 30 times. The 1962 Mets, who went 40-120, suffered the same fate only 32 times.

The Dodgers’ front office, knowing their home run hitter physically could no longer hit home runs this season, deserves credit for this record.

*

SO IT’S come to this, Dodger Stadium trying to keep up with the greedy folks at Staples Center who like to raise parking prices willy-nilly. A number of people have e-mailed to complain the Dodgers charged $20 for parking at the Aug. 17 Bruce Springsteen concert. Concession prices were also jacked up.

The same parking spots go for $8 for a Dodger game. It was the Dodgers’ decision to raise prices, and a team spokesman told The Times in a Sunday Calendar section story they did so because it cost the team $80,000 to make the field baseball ready. What wasn’t noted in Sunday’s story, however, is the fact the Dodgers parked about 14,000 cars -- bringing in around $280,000.

Makes you wonder if the Dodgers have hired Philip Anschutz as financial advisor.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Fred Stemrich:

“Dodger Manager Jim Tracy, being a kind and gentle man, probably knew the word ‘Garner’ infuriates you, so he said ‘garnish,’ so you wouldn’t suffer an apoplexy attack in front of your beloved Dodgers.”

That Bum.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com