Pregame Lasts Longer Than a Limbaugh Rant

It was too long by at least half, it seemed to drone on forever, it placed key performers at unnecessary risk, it ultimately proved to be meaningless and it exists essentially for the NFL to drum up interest in a new regular season.

Yes, on this, NFL coaches, players and fans can all agree:

Thursday night’s pregame show from Washington, D.C., could have been much, much shorter.

Mimicking a preseason that dragged on long enough to break bones in two of the league’s most promising young quarterbacks, Michael Vick and Chad Pennington, the NFL’s party on behalf of the greatness of the NFL saw ESPN’s football franchise take some unfortunate hits as well.

Poor Suzy Kolber, drawing the shortest straw of her career, was assigned to report on Footballapalooza 2003 at the National Mall, grilling Britney Spears about the rigors of the assignment awaiting her.

There has been some rain on the East Coast this week. Spears said she was worried about slipping on a wet stage but was hopeful her equipment -- she dutifully plugged her famous brand-name footwear here -- would come through for her in the clutch.

“You know she’s a sports fan,” Kolber said at the end of the interview, “because when I mentioned she was about to make her ESPN debut, her whole face lit up!”

So did Rush Limbaugh’s, come to think of it. This was the big kickoff for Limbaugh, hired by ESPN over the summer to drive liberal football fans to CBS. For months, we had been inundated with the hype: Oh, Rush is going to stir things up. Oh, Rush is going to shoot from the hip. Oh, Rush is going to call for the leaguewide return of the single wing.

Chris Berman was so nervous about the moment at hand that he introduced Limbaugh by stammering, “You’ve got a football name....Obviously, you were born with passion....”

Blithely, and mercifully, Limbaugh cut him off. On to the moment we had been told we had been waiting for -- the first irreverent Limbaugh football essay.

Which turned out to be a very reverent propaganda piece about the greatness of the NFL, keeping with the evening’s theme.

“Essentially, my friends, football is something you can invest total passion in, without consequence,” Limbaugh told us, before glibly adding, “Try doing that with a woman. Or a man, whatever.”

Without consequence?

Thursday night, in order to get to their favorite sport, football fans turning to ESPN first had to sit with rock stars trying to wax profound about their connection with pro football (Aerosmith’s Joe Perry: “It’s the gladiators and the troubadours”), a video-game simulation of the upcoming season (Arizona wins the Super Bowl!), Kenny Mayne reporting on tailgaters running post patterns in the parking lot and Kolber shouting above the self-celebratory din, “The NFL knows how to party!”

Oh, let me assure you, there is always consequence.

As we wait for the ringing in the ears to subside, some weekend television offerings that might, or might not, help the hangover:

TODAY

* U.S. Open

(Channel 2, 9 a.m.)

This has been a confusing week for sports fans. Viewers tuning in to ESPN and ABC looking for some football got E! and MTV instead. Tennis fans hoping to track the tournament progress of Andre Agassi, Andy Roddick and Lindsay Davenport punched up USA Network and wound up with the Weather Channel.

After days of tennis reporters biding the downtime studying Doppler radar scans on their laptop screens and watching Tracy Austin play pingpong with Roddick on USA, the squeegees have been replaced by rackets and, with any amount of luck, the men’s semifinals and women’s final will be played today.

Aided by a different kind of home-court advantage -- the USTA’s Yank-friendly tournament re-schedulers -- Agassi and Roddick remain on pace for a Sunday championship showdown. In the women’s final, someone not named Williams will finally win the title. But injuries will heal. Serena and Venus will be back. Most likely, this U.S. Open women’s competition will be remembered as nothing more than a reign delay.

* UCLA at Colorado

(Channel 7, 12:30 p.m.)

While the Bruins were concluding their final week of preseason drills, USC was pounding Auburn at Auburn by 23 points. Karl Dorrell hasn’t coached his first down for UCLA and already the pressure’s on.

* Brigham Young at USC

(Channel 7, 5 p.m.)

About that 23-0 victory over Auburn: Is there a new Sporting News/ESPN the Magazine cover jinx the Tigers do not know about? Or is USC really that good? If the former is true, Auburn fans might want to wait a week before short-listing replacements for Coach Tommy Tuberville. If it’s the latter, the No. 4 Trojans might be the most underrated team in the country.

* Oklahoma at Alabama

(ESPN, 4:45 p.m.)

New Year’s comes early for Alabama, because this is as close to a bowl game as the probation-serving Tide will get this season. Oklahoma comes in with the No. 1 ranking. USC fans will wait for updates with fingers crossed.

SUNDAY

* San Diego Chargers at

Kansas City Chiefs

(Channel 2, 10 a.m.)

Remember when Dick Vermeil coached the Rams to the Super Bowl championship? Remember when the Rams played in Los Angeles? Remember when the Chargers were a down-the-coast afterthought and not the must-be-aired-locally “home team” in the Southland market?

* St. Louis Rams at New York Giants

(Channel 11, 10 a.m.)

Sideline-reporters-as-eye-candy update: ABC is giving the guys Lisa Guerrero every Monday night, so Fox will counter with its equal-time offering for the women Sunday at Giants Stadium: Tony Siragusa.