Voters’ Attention Span Surely Won’t Last 6 More Months

I take one week off to catch my breath before a three-week sprint to Oct. 7, and what happens?

Six more months.

I return to find out we may be in a marathon that’s only just begun, thanks to the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, which ruled that it will take voters until March to read the names of all the candidates.

Look, I love the recall story, but I’m not sure I can take six more months of it without first having my brain stem frozen numb. I just got an e-mail from a candidate I never heard of -- Rich Gosse -- calling for a recall of the 9th Circuit judges who ordered the postponement of the election until March.

If there’s a delay, another 135 Rich Gosses could join the campaign, and candidates who already quit could get back in.

Are you ready for one more dance with Bill Simon?

I’d drag my own campaign out of retirement, except that unlike somebody else with no political experience, I probably couldn’t get free air time on Oprah.

I might have suggested we put all 135 candidates into a church hall, and the first one to get Bingo is governor. But the 9th Circuit would find something wrong with the pingpong balls.

Six more months.

Californians have short attention spans, and over the course of a lifetime, we make more visits to new car lots than voting booths. State government has finally gotten everyone’s attention, but I can guarantee you it won’t last another six months.

It’s not as if we’ve got a vigorous debate underway, zeroing in on all the state’s problems and sorting out the solutions. What we’ve got is the kind of politics that sooner or later makes people cover their ears, hold their noses and turn to the Shopping Network.

The barking dogs of talk radio are foaming over the 9th Circuit’s gift to Gray Davis, just as liberals still can’t get over the U.S. Supreme Court’s awarding of the presidency to George W. Bush. (Sure, there’s a little bit of law and a lot of politics in both decisions.)

State Sen. Tom McClintock spends his days explaining to those same so-called conservatives that, no, he’s not going to quit the race so Arnold Schwarzenegger can carry the GOP flag. McClintock is the only candidate in the race who’s been the same man from Day 1, and his own flock wants him to take a bullet for a know-nothing actor whose politics are those of a pro-war Howard Dean?

Talk about sellouts.

Schwarzenegger, meanwhile, appears capable of going six months without saying anything, particularly if he can manage to juggle regular bookings on “Oprah” and “Larry King.”

Actually, I take that back. At the GOP convention in Los Angeles last weekend, Arnold took his first bold stand on a tough issue. He’s anti-Communist, he assured conventioneers, putting to rest any doubts about his conservative credentials.

What year is this, anyway? The Soviet Union is history, China is selling Coca-Cola to tourists, and Cuba’s hottest missile is a cigar. Is anybody losing sleep over the possibility of Bolsheviks coming ashore in Newport Beach?

Count ‘em -- six more months.

October, November, December, January, February, March.

By the time we get to the polls, we’ll have had four seasons of recall.

Darrell Issa could end up back on the ballot.

Six more months of casino money, and Cruz Bustamante could buy his own Indian reservation. But is that enough time for him to finally shake a fist at the holdout bigots who still might be kicking around MEChA?

Six months is time for a half-dozen more make-overs for Gov. Gray Davis. He’s trying to pass himself off as the Brother from Another Planet lately, visiting a black church with former President Bill Clinton while waiting for an escort from Jesse Jackson.

If you catch a Spanish-language TV ad from Davis at Christmastime, with El Gobernador being chauffeured to Toys “R” Us by an illegal immigrant, you’ll know he was polling poorly among Latinos.

Haven’t we already been at this for six months? And, if so, why do we only have one good idea to show for it?

So far, nobody has topped porn star and gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey’s proposal to tax breast implants. Is there a better plan to save our schools?

“From Beverly Hills alone, we should bring in millions,” says Carey, who plans to make a campaign speech tonight before the Hollywood premiere of her new movie, “Club Carrie.”

I throw myself on the mercy of the court. I respectfully ask the 9th Circuit and the U.S. Supremes to consider our mental health ahead of a few hanging chads, and order an election on Oct. 7.

Or, if at all possible, sooner.

Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.