Dodger Lineup Needs Remedial Schooling

The Boston Parking Lot Attendant promised he would come through.

Well, the big move finally came Thursday when the Dodgers addressed the gaping hole in the middle of their lineup with the acquisition of Cody Ross, who according to the team’s press release, hit .525!

In high school. Against youngsters from New Mexico.

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NOT TO burst the Dodgers’ bubble, but we had 15 high school kids in Southern California last year who hit better than .525 going up against Southern California pitching. Makes you wonder if eight of our best kids might make a better Dodger lineup than the current crop of stiffs they have assembled.

Gardena’s Jorge Franco hit .661 last year, and he was only a junior. Right now you’d probably have to consider him the top candidate to bat cleanup for the Dodgers if they could only convince him to leave high school early.

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THE DODGERS go into this season needing hitters in the worst way, but apparently new GM Paul DePodesta pushed the wrong button on his computer, because the Dodgers seem to be going out of their way to find the worst/cheapest hitters available.

In the last week, DePodesta has added Ross, Jayson Werth and Jason Grabowski to what could be the Dodger opening day 25-man roster -- three F.P. Santangelos who combined to hit .276 in 1,891 minor league baseball games. Makes you wonder why the Dodgers disturbed them, as well as they were doing in the minors.

At the major league level, our new Murderer’s Row has combined to hit .225 with 42 strikeouts in 129 at-bats. Compared to these guys, Adrian Beltre starts to look like Alex Rodriguez. Maybe that’s the idea.

The nice thing, though, about stockpiling crummy players is the poor guy who owns the team doesn’t have to pay them much. Get used to it, the Dodgers are going to be rebuilding for years, because instead of paying players, he has loans to pay first. He’s also married, and sometimes it appears as if she’s wearing the pants in the family, and they cost money too.

Now in addition to giving the Tigers left-handed reliever Steve Colyer for Ross, the Dodgers will have to give up a player to be named later, or cash considerations.

What are the odds the Boston Parking Lot Attendant is going to give away cash considerations?

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THE BOSTON Globe had a reporter tag along with the McCourts recently and his Internet story, headlined: “The publicity-shy McCourts take the field with their new team, the LA Dodgers,” ran Thursday. Much of the story seemed as far-fetched as the headline, especially after the writer reported he saw the Boston Parking Lot Attendant pay $2.50 of his own money for a bottle of mineral water and give it to a couple. We’re supposed to believe he had $2.50 in his pocket?

The McCourts, of course, are so publicity shy that they had the reporter spend time with them in their Boston office eating chicken and tuna sandwiches, and then gave him a couple of rides on their private jet -- borrowed, I presume.

As for the screaming meanie, you know, McCourt’s wife, she let the previous management really have it via the media, ripping them for not drawing 4 million fans. At least the McCourts have done their part to spur interest in the Dodgers with the stirring acquisitions of Ross, Werth and whatever that other guy’s name is.

If you recall, the publicity-shy Lady McCourt also told the media, “to not be in the playoffs is crazy.” You see what the McCourts have done to make that happen.

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AS PART of the Globe story on the McCourts, Tom Lasorda was quoted saying nice things about them as if he really meant it. The people in Boston, of course, will buy it, but we know better.

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I JOINED a fantasy baseball league for the first time, because I thought it might be a nice change of pace this season to track players who can hit.

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THE Grocery Store Bagger is my silent partner. Emphasis on silent.

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SOME PEOPLE think you don’t have to tune into an NBA game until the last two minutes. Now we come to find out you don’t have to pay attention to the NBA regular season until the last few games with the Lakers now in position to finish with the best record in the West.

Anyone interested in a rebate for the half-hearted effort given during much of the season should contact the Laker ticket office at Staples. Just tell them I suggested you call.

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FOR THE second year in a row, all four teams that I selected in our office pool advanced to the Final Four. I fear it might affect morale in the sports department, especially if Oklahoma State defeats Connecticut and I win the whole thing again.

Next year I promise to give everyone a chance and select with my eyes open.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Aaron Spohn:

“I only tuned in to The Lakers Living Room for a couple of minutes, (but) happened to catch Shaunie O’Neal’s assertion the Kobe/Shaq situation is more media hype than fact. Then Shaq and Kobe appeared at mid-court ... .laughing and joking with each other. That gave me some peace and momentary rest from all the negativity being dredged up by our media. Your assertion that a compliment by Shaq about (Karl Malone and Gary Payton) was backbiting (and) directed at Kobe is more telling about yourself. And your need to generate negative Lakers’ news for a living is having a serious effect on my mental health.”

I can see that.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.